Journey of a Thousand Miles

Well life is going by slowly but surely. I don't always get everything done that I need to, but sometimes you just gotta live life and let interruptions happen. Some days I wish I could expedite my success and reach my goals sooner. There are lots of days that I wish the music industry was still like the old days when record labels still signed and developed new artists. They don't anymore because the industry isn't making money like it used to. Nobody wants to pay for music when they can hear it for free. It's aggravating for someone like me who wishes they could make a living with music, but it feels like an upward battle, like swimming upstream in a waterfall. Some days I wonder if I should pursue a new dream and give up on music entirely. Then somebody will hear my music and love it and tell me not to give up. So I don't. I keep plucking away on my guitar, writing new songs, wondering when I should record and whether or not I'll ever "make it." L...

As I get ready for SHINE, I decided to write a blog on how grateful I am for this opportunity because it is God that has brought me to this place, and I couldn't have made it this far on my own. Never did I think I could be this close to my dreams. For a long time, it was just that: a dream. Not a reality. I've wanted to act since I was a kid; I wanted to be a songwriter since I got my guitar at 16; but fear and circumstances kept getting in the way of my dreams. I'm glad I got to do some growing up, and I'm glad I have a relationship with God that I did NOT have as a kid or at 16. Don't get me wrong, I believed in God, but I didn't truly know Him like I do now, and I definitely didn't know my identity in Him. I was searching for all sorts of things at 16, and if I had pursued these dreams at that age, I think it would have been the death of me. God knew in His infinite wisdom the proper timing for me to start pursuing my dreams. With all that said, I am...

If you give others control over your decision making, you will never become the person you were meant to be. ( Finding Contentment ) For a long time, I didn't pursue my dreams because I didn't believe I was talented enough. Not only that, but I worried about what others thought of me, and I feared that if I performed my songs, I would make a complete fool of myself. I started playing guitar at 16, writing songs shortly after that, but I didn't perform until I was 28. That's a whole dozen years of worrying too much about what people think! Is there something you're not pursuing because you're more worried about what others think? Don't give them that control over your life. You'd be surprised how good you are at accomplishing your dream when you set out to do it.

I went to a Bible study with a friend the other day where they give "prophetic" words, which is a symbol or vision from God that is meant to encourage others. Since I was new there, they gave a prophetic word over me, and one of the messages was simply two words: LOVE LIFE. I feel that in the past few months, I've become really happy here in Austin. Despite the fact that I miss my family and long to go back home sometimes, my fate has really turned around here, and all the struggles I endured for two years have finally redeemed themselves. My shattered dreams are starting to resurface, and this time, I am going after them with gusto and with God's support. I know why God allowed those dreams to be shattered in the first place, however. They were an idol in my heart. I had placed all my hope, trust, and identity into fulfilling those dreams, thinking that life would be simple and grand once I reached them. But as soon as I struck out to pursue them, I realized I di...

Well today I'm going skydiving, and this marks a huge goal off my bucket list. I decided to make the jump a little more symbolic for me, like taking a huge leap into a new life, leaving the past behind me. Jumping into freedom, I guess. I took some time this morning to look back on old posts, and I've seen alot of change in me over the past 2 years. Can you believe it's been 2 years since I moved to Austin? My, how time flies. Sometimes I wonder if I should go back home to my family who I miss oh-so-much. But there's some things here that I know I would miss. I've been blessed with a great job that I enjoy going to, and I have friends here that I don't want to leave behind. Not to mention my church, but I also have a church in Houston that I love as well. I'm just wondering if I would "fit-in" in Houston. Every time I go there, it seems so different now. And I've changed so much that I wonder if I would belong there at all. Sometimes I think th...

I think the hardest part about going after my goals is not being able to see the finish line. All I see around me are obstacles and setbacks, and it's easy to wonder if I'm getting anywhere at all. Today was the hardest for my ambitious little heart. When a girl like me who is creative, smart, and intelligent is sitting in a temp agency's office that is asking her to alphabetize words, she starts to feel that her intelligence is being insulted. Why did I even go to college?! I didn't get a BACHELOR'S degree so I could re-learn the alphabet! Then, when I'm sitting in the waiting room to get food stamps, and all the people around me look on the verge of being homeless or having their 10th child, I start to think, This is not where I belong. How did I end up here? What's even more sad is that I actually qualified for food stamps. It can only get better from here, right? I was told that God sees our circumstances in a different light than we do, and...

As we approach the end of 2010, I like to reflect on the changes made in the past year and talk about my resolution for next year. My resolution for this past year was more of a list rather, and here it is in all it's entirety: apply to grad school take control of my life think more positively live for God's purpose and not my own define myself by how God views me and not how others view me don't take things so personally trust God more be happier forgive more be easier to get along with I have to say, I think I did a good job of accomplishing most of my goals on this list. I didn't accomplish #1, but that's what 2011 will be dedicated to. And for #2, I allowed God to take control of my life, rather than trying to control it myself. But #3-10, I feel I accomplished, and that is a good feeling. So now on to 2011... I want 2011 to be dedicated to getting back on the road again... on the road to my dreams, goals, and ultimately, to myself. In 2005, I took a long detour...

In your darkest moments, find the light and turn to it. This is something I've had to instill in me this past year. I've really had to learn how to take control of my thoughts and how I feel about myself and to stop being so negative. I can get myself down on just one negative thought after another, and I don't even notice that I'm doing it until I'm already in this depressive state and can't get myself out of it. It's like digging a deep dark pit for myself, and by the time I realize I'm doing it, I'm at the bottom of the pit. But I've learned in the past year how to climb out of the pit without the help of others. It's difficult, but it can be done. After all I've been through and all I've overcome, I have no reason not to feel good about myself. But sometimes, I still get low and moody and tear myself apart. There's no reason for this. And so that's why I have set out to treat myself right and stop abusing my emotions. I ...

It's late at night, and I don't even know if I'll post this blog, but I just want to seize this moment and reflect on some things. I'm really lucky. I'm lucky where I'm at in my life right now. I'm lucky that I'm taken care of, even though I have no job. I'm lucky that I'm able to pursue my passions and still have money to pay the bills. I'm lucky to be living in a very beautiful city, even though I left my family behind. I'm lucky to have such a supportive family. I'm lucky that God directed me to where I am today and didn't leave me in the flux I was in. I can only imagine what kind of person I would have been had I never left my comfort zone of Houston. I don't even want to think about it because I know she wouldn't have been happy. She would always be wondering 'what if?' But I don't have to wonder that because I did it. I moved out; I struck out on my own, just like I promised I would. And I am still on ...

I prayed for God to give me what I need, and He delivered. Sometimes what we need isn't always what we want, but in the long run it is always better. I always learn things the best in hindsight. There have been many times in my life where I didn't get what I wanted, or maybe I did, and it didn't turn out exactly as I planned. But somehow, things worked out in a way that I got exactly what I needed, and sometimes that is a swift kick in the pants. I know that's how things panned out for me. I experienced this dilemma when I first graduated college and started looking for a job. I knew what I wanted but not what I needed. I kept praying "God, please give me this job. I need this job," but God had a better plan. I went a few months without a job when I first got my degree. I was living at home with my parents, my loans were coming in demanding to be paid, and still no income. I had big dreams of what I wanted to accomplish in my life, and it seemed that...

I am starting to understand what it really means to recklessly abandon myself to Jesus. This was always a hard notion for me because I was still holding onto worldly things to give me happiness, stability, and fulfillment. I looked for satisfaction in my boyfriends, friends, career, and dreams. I learned the hard way that all these things will disappoint me because they are imperfect and can be taken away. Isn't it great that we have a perfect and complete God that will never disappear? He is the only solid ground with which to stand on. I constantly struggle with a need for approval and validation, and I try to find it from people, but people can never complete me. Only God can provide me true completeness. When I dedicate myself to surrendering all I have to Him, that's when I begin to find the approval and validation I so desperately need. All our sin stems from this desire: to feel complete. We try to find it in the wrong things, and it causes us to stumble because these th...

It seems so much longer than a year since I moved to Austin. I have changed so much that it seems I have aged five years, both in maturity and in weariness. I first came here open and vulnerable to new experiences, ready to take on the city and show them what I had, though I wasn't quite brave enough to really do that. I had a host of dependencies that I was carrying with me that wouldn't let me walk on my own. I had hangups that I was still harboring in my heart and false perceptions that would eventually carry themselves to the surface, only to be scrutinized, condemned, and then changed. For the first few months, I was very hurt, confused, and disappointed at what I would find in my new life. I longed to go back to my old life, to find my dreams again, to grasp tightly to those things I so dearly depended on for my security. It wouldn't be long before I would be wiped clean of everything I clinged to and set on a different path that I was not familiar with. I had to beco...

Written May 21, 2008, Wed. So I'm going through one of those moments where I'm struggling with what I want to do with my life. The Houston humidity is reminding me of how much I don't want to be here and how much I wish I were somewhere else doing something else. I don't want to work in the fashion industry anymore, which means my degree is a waste (so I'm pretty pissed about that), and the things I want to do seem so far out of reach and unattainable that I almost don't even want to try. But there is a saying that makes me not want to give up: "The important thing is not being afraid to take a chance. Remember, the greatest failure is to not try. Once you find something you love to do, be the best at doing it." Here's another good one: "Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." So I've been pondering on whether or not I should go back...

So... things have been a constant see-saw for me in Austin. Living on my own has proven to be quite a challenge, and has emitted quite a number of headaches and stress-induced panic attacks. But things are good for today... at this very moment, so I decided to do an update while my hopes are still high. My life has been pretty eventful here, I must say. In Houston, I was just living in my dreams, wishing for a better life, which is what brought me to Austin in the first place. And I have to say, living your "dreams" is alot less glamorous starting out. It's a constant struggle, but I know that if I trust God, He has redemption waiting for me just around the corner. And blessings. So I am being as patient as possible, while trying not to lose my mind. Sometimes I miss the comfort and ease of home, but I know that if I went back, I would feel like I gave up everything I ever fought for, everything that I'm struggling and striving for, and I am not yet ready to compromis...

So things are finally packed and ready for me, and I'm getting a little antsy about my big move to Austin. My fears are looming largely in front of me, and I'm having to take one step at a time through that huge Wall of Fear. My home doesn't feel like home anymore, and everything around me is just a blur. I'm letting go. It feels weird because I know my life is changing drastically, which means I'm changing drastically. There are so many people and new friends I'm letting go of, and it's scary.  One thing I want to do in Austin is figure out which career route is ultimately right for me. I think I've narrowed it down to writing. I want to pursue all my dreams when I get there, which I know will be hard when I'm trying to make a living- and find time to do what I love. It'll be difficult, but it'll also be worth it. I was in a lull in Houston. I was just waiting for life to happen, and it just kept waiting for me to make it happen. So I got ...