Journey of a Thousand Miles

I think the hardest part about going after my goals is not being able to see the finish line. All I see around me are obstacles and setbacks, and it's easy to wonder if I'm getting anywhere at all. Today was the hardest for my ambitious little heart. When a girl like me who is creative, smart, and intelligent is sitting in a temp agency's office that is asking her to alphabetize words, she starts to feel that her intelligence is being insulted. Why did I even go to college?! I didn't get a BACHELOR'S degree so I could re-learn the alphabet! Then, when I'm sitting in the waiting room to get food stamps, and all the people around me look on the verge of being homeless or having their 10th child, I start to think, This is not where I belong. How did I end up here? What's even more sad is that I actually qualified for food stamps. It can only get better from here, right? I was told that God sees our circumstances in a different light than we do, and...

I guess now that I'm unemployed, I have plenty of time to update this sucker. Life was pretty busy there for awhile, but now I've got all the time in the world to figure out what my next step may be. I am grateful for the friends I made in my last job and the stability God gave me for those short two months. But here we are back at Square One, and this time I am more prepared for it and more faithful for what's to come. A lot of people keep asking me what I want to do next, and my answer for that is "I don't really know." It would be nice if somebody could tell me, but I know the only One who can tell me what to do with my life is my Father. I keep asking Him for a neon sign, but it seems He works more with subtleties. I feel that I am at the age where I should start doing what I really want to do and stop limiting myself with my fears. I have nothing at this point holding me back: no relationship, no mortgage, no children, no car note. I have complete freed...

In your darkest moments, find the light and turn to it. This is something I've had to instill in me this past year. I've really had to learn how to take control of my thoughts and how I feel about myself and to stop being so negative. I can get myself down on just one negative thought after another, and I don't even notice that I'm doing it until I'm already in this depressive state and can't get myself out of it. It's like digging a deep dark pit for myself, and by the time I realize I'm doing it, I'm at the bottom of the pit. But I've learned in the past year how to climb out of the pit without the help of others. It's difficult, but it can be done. After all I've been through and all I've overcome, I have no reason not to feel good about myself. But sometimes, I still get low and moody and tear myself apart. There's no reason for this. And so that's why I have set out to treat myself right and stop abusing my emotions. I ...

It seems so much longer than a year since I moved to Austin. I have changed so much that it seems I have aged five years, both in maturity and in weariness. I first came here open and vulnerable to new experiences, ready to take on the city and show them what I had, though I wasn't quite brave enough to really do that. I had a host of dependencies that I was carrying with me that wouldn't let me walk on my own. I had hangups that I was still harboring in my heart and false perceptions that would eventually carry themselves to the surface, only to be scrutinized, condemned, and then changed. For the first few months, I was very hurt, confused, and disappointed at what I would find in my new life. I longed to go back to my old life, to find my dreams again, to grasp tightly to those things I so dearly depended on for my security. It wouldn't be long before I would be wiped clean of everything I clinged to and set on a different path that I was not familiar with. I had to beco...

A challenge that I have had to face in my life is letting my circumstances get the best of me. It's hard to see the light when you're focused on the darkness. I know what kind of life I want, and I won't give up until I get there, but sometimes it's so easy to give up when it doesn't look like things are going to change, when everything around me is just same-old, same-old not where I want to be. I know we are called to be grateful for what we have, but what if what we have is bringing us down and stealing our soul away? I know that changing my life starts with changing myself, but it becomes all-too-easy to follow the familiar path when things get a little risky. This is another challenge I have had to face in my life. I'm trying to learn to take more risks to get the life I want. It takes one step at a time. It takes jumping in the pool instead of wading in the waters. It took a huge leap of faith to move to Austin. But I soon learned that until I changed w...

Written May 21, 2008, Wed. So I'm going through one of those moments where I'm struggling with what I want to do with my life. The Houston humidity is reminding me of how much I don't want to be here and how much I wish I were somewhere else doing something else. I don't want to work in the fashion industry anymore, which means my degree is a waste (so I'm pretty pissed about that), and the things I want to do seem so far out of reach and unattainable that I almost don't even want to try. But there is a saying that makes me not want to give up: "The important thing is not being afraid to take a chance. Remember, the greatest failure is to not try. Once you find something you love to do, be the best at doing it." Here's another good one: "Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." So I've been pondering on whether or not I should go back...

So... things have been a constant see-saw for me in Austin. Living on my own has proven to be quite a challenge, and has emitted quite a number of headaches and stress-induced panic attacks. But things are good for today... at this very moment, so I decided to do an update while my hopes are still high. My life has been pretty eventful here, I must say. In Houston, I was just living in my dreams, wishing for a better life, which is what brought me to Austin in the first place. And I have to say, living your "dreams" is alot less glamorous starting out. It's a constant struggle, but I know that if I trust God, He has redemption waiting for me just around the corner. And blessings. So I am being as patient as possible, while trying not to lose my mind. Sometimes I miss the comfort and ease of home, but I know that if I went back, I would feel like I gave up everything I ever fought for, everything that I'm struggling and striving for, and I am not yet ready to compromis...