Journey of a Thousand Miles

God has been so gracious with me lately. My sponsor and I have been working through a lot of heart matters, and she assigned me to find my identity in Christ through verses. Recovery has been an intense process, peeling back layers of hurt, resentment, regret, and fear. It's been a humbling experience. It's not easy to share my deep, dark secrets with somebody, much less a person who originally knew nothing about me. I didn't realize how much of the past I was holding onto and how much it was affecting my present. God has redeemed me in so many ways, and His work isn't done. One of the scriptures I found helps me to know that God is always with me, fighting my battles for me. I don't have to do this all alone. I don't have the strength to anyhow. Here is what the Bible says: Do not be afraid! Don't be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God's. Tomorrow, march out against them... but you will not even need to fight. Take you...

As we approach the end of 2010, I like to reflect on the changes made in the past year and talk about my resolution for next year. My resolution for this past year was more of a list rather, and here it is in all it's entirety: apply to grad school take control of my life think more positively live for God's purpose and not my own define myself by how God views me and not how others view me don't take things so personally trust God more be happier forgive more be easier to get along with I have to say, I think I did a good job of accomplishing most of my goals on this list. I didn't accomplish #1, but that's what 2011 will be dedicated to. And for #2, I allowed God to take control of my life, rather than trying to control it myself. But #3-10, I feel I accomplished, and that is a good feeling. So now on to 2011... I want 2011 to be dedicated to getting back on the road again... on the road to my dreams, goals, and ultimately, to myself. In 2005, I took a long detour...

In your darkest moments, find the light and turn to it. This is something I've had to instill in me this past year. I've really had to learn how to take control of my thoughts and how I feel about myself and to stop being so negative. I can get myself down on just one negative thought after another, and I don't even notice that I'm doing it until I'm already in this depressive state and can't get myself out of it. It's like digging a deep dark pit for myself, and by the time I realize I'm doing it, I'm at the bottom of the pit. But I've learned in the past year how to climb out of the pit without the help of others. It's difficult, but it can be done. After all I've been through and all I've overcome, I have no reason not to feel good about myself. But sometimes, I still get low and moody and tear myself apart. There's no reason for this. And so that's why I have set out to treat myself right and stop abusing my emotions. I ...

My oh my, how God works in mysterious ways. God has a way of convicting me in my most downtrodden moments. Earlier, I posted a blog while I was in that moment, while I felt lost and confused. And then after I posted, God brought me a message that convicted my heart... I stumbled upon a sermon podcast that my church did in January. For some reason, I'd never heard the sermon before, and in some strange way, God led me to listen to it today... the one day it really pertained to me. Basically, the sermon was about the Israelites while they were in the wilderness. They had been exiled from their slavery in Egypt, and they came upon the Promised Land, only to find that there were giants. God had brought them all that way, and now He wasn't keeping His promises. They wanted to go back to Egypt. Back to their slavery. Back to familiar. God killed some of the Israelites in the wilderness because of their unbelief. They did not get to see the Promised Land. Austin was supposed to be m...

Lately I've been aching for familiarity. It's been awhile since I've been home- 6 weeks. It doesn't sound like a long time, but I usually go home every 4 weeks, so I'm finding myself a little homesick. I took a walk throughout the mall, and every time I go to the mall, I get nostalgic because it reminds of my Express days, when I had more sense of direction and more financial stability, when things were alot easier and I had work friends to see everyday. Sometimes I wonder why I ever left because I have struggled so much for the past year, but I know that if I had stayed, I would have made a very large mistake. God takes us where He needs us to go. So my nostalgia really got me questioning my current life, where I'm going, where I've been, and where I want to go. I don't think I've ever been more confused in my life. I've been doing alot of changing and alot of growing, alot of questioning and re-evaluating. And I have to say, it's mind-numb...

It's late at night, and I don't even know if I'll post this blog, but I just want to seize this moment and reflect on some things. I'm really lucky. I'm lucky where I'm at in my life right now. I'm lucky that I'm taken care of, even though I have no job. I'm lucky that I'm able to pursue my passions and still have money to pay the bills. I'm lucky to be living in a very beautiful city, even though I left my family behind. I'm lucky to have such a supportive family. I'm lucky that God directed me to where I am today and didn't leave me in the flux I was in. I can only imagine what kind of person I would have been had I never left my comfort zone of Houston. I don't even want to think about it because I know she wouldn't have been happy. She would always be wondering 'what if?' But I don't have to wonder that because I did it. I moved out; I struck out on my own, just like I promised I would. And I am still on ...

It seems so much longer than a year since I moved to Austin. I have changed so much that it seems I have aged five years, both in maturity and in weariness. I first came here open and vulnerable to new experiences, ready to take on the city and show them what I had, though I wasn't quite brave enough to really do that. I had a host of dependencies that I was carrying with me that wouldn't let me walk on my own. I had hangups that I was still harboring in my heart and false perceptions that would eventually carry themselves to the surface, only to be scrutinized, condemned, and then changed. For the first few months, I was very hurt, confused, and disappointed at what I would find in my new life. I longed to go back to my old life, to find my dreams again, to grasp tightly to those things I so dearly depended on for my security. It wouldn't be long before I would be wiped clean of everything I clinged to and set on a different path that I was not familiar with. I had to beco...

A challenge that I have had to face in my life is letting my circumstances get the best of me. It's hard to see the light when you're focused on the darkness. I know what kind of life I want, and I won't give up until I get there, but sometimes it's so easy to give up when it doesn't look like things are going to change, when everything around me is just same-old, same-old not where I want to be. I know we are called to be grateful for what we have, but what if what we have is bringing us down and stealing our soul away? I know that changing my life starts with changing myself, but it becomes all-too-easy to follow the familiar path when things get a little risky. This is another challenge I have had to face in my life. I'm trying to learn to take more risks to get the life I want. It takes one step at a time. It takes jumping in the pool instead of wading in the waters. It took a huge leap of faith to move to Austin. But I soon learned that until I changed w...

I think some good things have happened to me in Austin. It has not been easy, by far. It has been extremely disheartening and eye-opening. God has brought me to my knees time and time again, crying and begging Him to make the pain stop, but He has pushed me through each time. He has not delivered me from my circumstances like I beg Him to because I have oh-so-much to learn from them, and how detrimental it would be if He let me off the hook too easily. It is God's tough love that is allowing me to grow to be a much better, stronger person. I cannot be bitter for that. The lessons I have learned here couldn't have been learned any other way. I had to go through these hard times in order to learn everything there was to learn. I can't believe how immature and dependent I was when I still lived in Houston. I was still a child. I now feel more like an adult. I wanted to grow; I wanted to learn. That is why I came here in the first place. I was sick of the status ...

Thanksgiving went well. It's really good to go home after being away for so long. So I have been really developing myself as a woman lately. When I was in Houston, I was walking on crutches, depending on other people to give me the things I wanted in life. But when I moved to Austin, those crutches were taken from me, and I fell hard, and it was easy to point the finger for awhile. But after so long, no one would come around to help me walk, so I had to stop pointing the finger and start learning to walk on my own. It has been extremely difficult, but it has made alot of positive changes in my life. All the things I thought I needed from other people, I found I could get myself. And all the good things in life start within me. I hope that a year from now, I can say I am much closer to the woman I want to be, and I hope that my life is in a much better place. I know this is all very vague, but it's all very vague to me too. So I have also been reading the Bible, as I may have me...

So I get really tired of whining on this thing, and I get tired of whining altogether. I have learned alot about myself out here in Austin, and I have really had to come face-to-face with alot of my behavior traits that keep me from enjoying the good things in life. I'm really grateful that I can face these things so I can work on them and be rid of them. Yes, I have struggled out here, but through pain, God brings redemption. And I think God is polishing me up and scrubbing away those negative qualities so I can become a better, stronger person and continue on my way to going after my dreams. Even though things haven't panned out exactly as I hoped here in Austin, they're paving a better way for a better life, and I can't complain about that. I read a verse yesterday in Matthew that said something like, "Why worry if it cannot add any days to your life?" and it really hit me bc I worry about alot of stuff all the time. Worrying about being single isn't go...