Journey of a Thousand Miles

I guess I haven't been owing God His dues lately. He really has been gracious in my life. I don't always acknowledge all the blessings He's given me because I'm too busy looking at what I think He's withholding from me. So today I would like to do just that: to praise Him for what He has done. This month marks 3 years since I broke ties with my ex, who was very detrimental in my life. Everything about that relationship was destructive, and I am glad to say he is no longer in my present life. There were several times when I tried to permanently let go of him on my own strength, but he always found a way back in through my weakest points. It wasn't until I started Recovery that I was able to use God's strength to finally sever the ties on that relationship for good. God did the work that I wasn't able to do myself. And for that, I am grateful. There have been several disappointments in my life, some of which have come in the form of unrequited love. Th...

One of the many topics we learned in Recovery was setting healthy boundaries in our relationships. Learning to say "no" is what allowed me to let go of an overdue relationship from college which served no purpose in my present life. Sometimes we need to set boundaries on people close to us- our family and friends- who cause us harm through their destructive behavior, and this can be hard because we don't want to hurt them. But sometimes giving in is more harmful than displeasing them. Avoiding confrontation might seem like an immediate remedy to create harmony, but this only creates further conflict down the road. At first, the person you are setting boundaries with will become angry because they are used to being able to control others. When they can't control you, they are left to face themselves and have to grow up and change, since their former behavior no longer works. In essence, they are forced to deal with their own pain and stop blaming others. The worst th...

It's about that time again... to reflect on the past year and plan for the next. My Resolution for 2011 was more of a theme to " get back on the road again " to my goals and dreams and fully heal from past harmful relationships. I spent the beginning of this year in Recovery , going through the 12 steps a little less gracefully than I should have probably, but nevertheless, I have let go of a lot of baggage that was damaging any hope for a healthy relationship. Some of you may wonder why I went to Recovery in the first place. There was a myriad of reasons, but my sole purpose was that I didn't want to take any junk from my past relationships into my future marriage. I knew that marriage wasn't going to fix my problems, and if I wanted to have a good relationship with my future husband, then I first needed a good relationship with myself and, more importantly, with God. When I first went into Recovery, I realized a lot of my problems stemmed from false beliefs abo...

WARNING: This is a blog about nothing, really. This has been one very relaxing, much-needed trip to Houston. I love spending time with my family and catching up with old friends. After this weekend, I think God knew what He was doing by sending me to Austin. Although I miss some aspects of my life in Houston, I am very grateful for all that God has blessed me for my life in Austin. I am mostly grateful for the Recovery process God has bestowed on me. It has saved my life in a multitude of ways. Recovery has allowed me to be single so I could grow as a person, pursue my dreams, and become the person I want to be without having a relationship to damage my life. Better yet, I have learned to find my identity in Christ and not in a man's approval. It is truly freeing. I would like to remember that I am ok right where I am. It gets easy to lose perspective in the midst of difficult circumstances, and I forget to be grateful for what God has given to me. This weekend was a reminder of m...

Wow.... my resume needed some major tweaking. I have spent the majority of this morning refreshing my resume, looking into unemployment, and contacting my temp agency. I feel more proactive about my job search this time around. I want to do it differently than last time in the sense that I will depend more on God with where He wants me. I know He will lead me where I need to be, and it makes the job search a lot easier. I am also more willing to put in some effort this time because the more I work and search for jobs, the faster this process will go, and the more liable I will find a job that works for me. I am a little more hopeful this time around because I know God will provide, and I know all this is happening for a very special reason. What that reason is, I don't know at this point. But I am putting a lot of energy into praying over this process, and I hope my friends do as well. I have found several jobs in my search that I would love to do, but don't seem qualified. And...

God has been so gracious with me lately. My sponsor and I have been working through a lot of heart matters, and she assigned me to find my identity in Christ through verses. Recovery has been an intense process, peeling back layers of hurt, resentment, regret, and fear. It's been a humbling experience. It's not easy to share my deep, dark secrets with somebody, much less a person who originally knew nothing about me. I didn't realize how much of the past I was holding onto and how much it was affecting my present. God has redeemed me in so many ways, and His work isn't done. One of the scriptures I found helps me to know that God is always with me, fighting my battles for me. I don't have to do this all alone. I don't have the strength to anyhow. Here is what the Bible says: Do not be afraid! Don't be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God's. Tomorrow, march out against them... but you will not even need to fight. Take you...

In light of my New Years Resolution to get back on the road again, I think my first and foremost necessary goal for 2011 is to put God first. It baffles me how many times I forget to do this when the going gets tough. I tend to seek help from others and even myself, searching for any kind of good advice or words of wisdom from the sages, rather than go to the Ultimate Wise One who has the only true words that will satisfy me and lead me in the right direction. Lately, I've been confused and hopeless on the direction of my career. My financial situation in Austin has been quite a struggle, and it seems I just can't get both feet on the ground. I have interviewed for two jobs that I really wanted, and both have turned out unavailable to me. This also happened when I first graduated college, and I ended up getting to travel through Europe and found a job when I got back, so I've learned to trust God in these instances. But sometimes, my faith isn't so strong. Like today. T...

As we approach the end of 2010, I like to reflect on the changes made in the past year and talk about my resolution for next year. My resolution for this past year was more of a list rather, and here it is in all it's entirety: apply to grad school take control of my life think more positively live for God's purpose and not my own define myself by how God views me and not how others view me don't take things so personally trust God more be happier forgive more be easier to get along with I have to say, I think I did a good job of accomplishing most of my goals on this list. I didn't accomplish #1, but that's what 2011 will be dedicated to. And for #2, I allowed God to take control of my life, rather than trying to control it myself. But #3-10, I feel I accomplished, and that is a good feeling. So now on to 2011... I want 2011 to be dedicated to getting back on the road again... on the road to my dreams, goals, and ultimately, to myself. In 2005, I took a long detour...

Recovery has me angry lately. I'm going through some hard stuff, bringing up junk from the past that I am still angry over, and it's not fun for the soul. It's good for the soul, but not fun. I realized that I still try to control my outcomes, rather than leave them in God's hands. I still try to control my circumstances, probably because my self-esteem still comes from outside sources, rather than within. I am still learning and praying how to find my self-esteem from within. If anybody knows how to do this, let me know.

So life has been so crazy that I almost forgot to blog. Actually, I've been avoiding the ole blog because I really didn't want to talk about what was going on, which is alot of CRAP! Anyway... Alot has been going on. God has been testing me. But... it's all good. I got a job. A temporary job for the holidays, so I'll be kept busy. I need it. A good managerial job to keep me responsible and busy. Seriously though, the past week has been rough. There have been good times, mind you, but emotionally, things have been tough with my family. Through my Recovery group, I've been learning to deal with conflict differently than how I learned in my family, and going back to a family that still practices bad habits is not good for someone recovering from those things. Talk about high stress. So I've been in a lot of deep sorrow, anger, depression, you name it. I just thank GOD that I have the geographical distance from my family, and I have an amazing group of friends here...

Lately I've been aching for familiarity. It's been awhile since I've been home- 6 weeks. It doesn't sound like a long time, but I usually go home every 4 weeks, so I'm finding myself a little homesick. I took a walk throughout the mall, and every time I go to the mall, I get nostalgic because it reminds of my Express days, when I had more sense of direction and more financial stability, when things were alot easier and I had work friends to see everyday. Sometimes I wonder why I ever left because I have struggled so much for the past year, but I know that if I had stayed, I would have made a very large mistake. God takes us where He needs us to go. So my nostalgia really got me questioning my current life, where I'm going, where I've been, and where I want to go. I don't think I've ever been more confused in my life. I've been doing alot of changing and alot of growing, alot of questioning and re-evaluating. And I have to say, it's mind-numb...

Life and I are starting to become great friends. Through my process of recovery, I have been spending some time in the Word and reading about suffering. In the past, I have had a bad relationship with suffering. Actually, I take that back. After alot of bad things happened to me, I started to believe that God was punishing me, that I had done something wrong to deserve the bad things that happened to me. I grew a huge guilt complex that carried me through college and then into the real world and the more bad things that happened to me, the more I believed I deserved it and started to expect bad things to happen to me. Needless to say, suffering grew a bad name with me. So I started to read about suffering in the Bible and realized that Jesus did alot of suffering too. Alot of godly people in the Bible did alot of suffering, and that’s when I realized... suffering happens to good people too, it’s part of living in a fallen world, and none of these people were being punished by God....