Looking Back

It seems so much longer than a year since I moved to Austin. I have changed so much that it seems I have aged five years, both in maturity and in weariness. I first came here open and vulnerable to new experiences, ready to take on the city and show them what I had, though I wasn't quite brave enough to really do that. I had a host of dependencies that I was carrying with me that wouldn't let me walk on my own. I had hangups that I was still harboring in my heart and false perceptions that would eventually carry themselves to the surface, only to be scrutinized, condemned, and then changed. For the first few months, I was very hurt, confused, and disappointed at what I would find in my new life. I longed to go back to my old life, to find my dreams again, to grasp tightly to those things I so dearly depended on for my security. It wouldn't be long before I would be wiped clean of everything I clinged to and set on a different path that I was not familiar with. I had to become a new person; I had to change, or else suffer many failures and defeats, which I did anyway.

There comes a time when God will change the course of your life before you can even say "Amen." You expect things to go a certain way, and then suddenly, everything turns around and falls apart. All your plans go wrong, your goals defeated, dreams dead. That's when God will set a new dream in your heart. He will do things His way, whether you like it or not. That has been my excruciating experience in Austin. I have had to face every trial and fear that I ever ran away from. There were many times where I questioned why I came here and whether I was supposed to stay here. With the way things were going, it seemed that everything was just falling apart and nothing made sense in my life. I was beginning to lose sight of myself and everything I ever wanted in life. But God has set me on the path towards recovery.

I am now saying prayers that I never thought would exit my lips- prayers that come from a place of courage, from a person who knows deep down who they want to be and is willing to do whatever it takes to become that person. Prayers that welcome change. Now that I am setting forth on my second year in Austin, the person I was a year ago is long in the past, all my new friends I made in Houston are drifting away, and my whole perception of life is morphing. I can now look back on my days in Houston with a smile on my face, glad that it happened, rather than sad that it's gone. I know God has some great things in store, and I know it's going to take time before I can finally say that I like where I am. I know that in the end, all this pain and suffering will be worth it, and it will only seem like a blink of time. God is stretching my wings so He can push me out of the nest that I so desperately cling to. He won't set me on solid ground because He knows I can fly, and I won't learn the easy way. I'll fall many times, as I already have, but He'll keep bringing me back to the edge to try again and again until I finally get it.

I have a feeling it's not going to be an easy ride.