Journey of a Thousand Miles

The reason a relationship feels difficult is that the person has become the living embodiment of the voices in your head. She taps into insecurities already roosting within. Her lack of approval or validation triggers a chorus line of inner complaint- it disturbs the little girl in you who uses any excuse to remind you what she deeply believes: If you were just smarter, thinner, prettier, holier or at least a better mother... you'd feel like Somebody. You'd meet with more applause. Your parking ticket would be stamped, and then you could make your way onto the freeway of life with all the other grown-ups. That may sound a bit strong. But honestly, when you peel back the layers of a person you find difficult to love- of a relationship that feels intolerable- this is the white noise in the background of your soul. It's true for all of us. We can be paralyzed by the power we give someone to name us. For a long time, the human tendency is to try harder- to perform o...

It's about that time again... to reflect on the past year and plan for the next. My Resolution for 2011 was more of a theme to " get back on the road again " to my goals and dreams and fully heal from past harmful relationships. I spent the beginning of this year in Recovery , going through the 12 steps a little less gracefully than I should have probably, but nevertheless, I have let go of a lot of baggage that was damaging any hope for a healthy relationship. Some of you may wonder why I went to Recovery in the first place. There was a myriad of reasons, but my sole purpose was that I didn't want to take any junk from my past relationships into my future marriage. I knew that marriage wasn't going to fix my problems, and if I wanted to have a good relationship with my future husband, then I first needed a good relationship with myself and, more importantly, with God. When I first went into Recovery, I realized a lot of my problems stemmed from false beliefs abo...

In your darkest moments, find the light and turn to it. This is something I've had to instill in me this past year. I've really had to learn how to take control of my thoughts and how I feel about myself and to stop being so negative. I can get myself down on just one negative thought after another, and I don't even notice that I'm doing it until I'm already in this depressive state and can't get myself out of it. It's like digging a deep dark pit for myself, and by the time I realize I'm doing it, I'm at the bottom of the pit. But I've learned in the past year how to climb out of the pit without the help of others. It's difficult, but it can be done. After all I've been through and all I've overcome, I have no reason not to feel good about myself. But sometimes, I still get low and moody and tear myself apart. There's no reason for this. And so that's why I have set out to treat myself right and stop abusing my emotions. I ...

Just when I think it's impossible for me to grow any stronger and start to believe I'll always be this way, God proves me otherwise. Living on my own, away from my family, has been an immense struggle, but I knew going into it that the challenges I would face and lessons I'd learn would be worth it in the long run. God has forced me into situations that I would normally run away from, compelling me to change and find a way to overcome my struggles. In this next year in Austin, I want to dedicate my life to healing and growth and let God bring me what He will bring me. I have finally come to accept my singleness. I don't need the distraction of a guy from my healing process, and I want to find mental stability without depending on a man. In my instability, I will only find a guy who will bring me down, and I have already been there and done that. I know that road all too well, and I will not walk down it again. I am leaning on God, now more than ever, and taking ...

I think my life is on a good track. I have found healing in these past few months that I've been away from home. I have found healing in a new relationship that focuses on God, rather than selfish desires. I have found healing by dating a guy who is not manipulative but who cares enough about me to wait for certain things, rather than fulfill his instant gratification. I have found healing knowing that I am worth the wait, that I am beautiful just as I am, that I am talented and smart. I have found healing in godly friends who care about me enough to pray for me and listen to my problems and be honest about their own, rather than condemn me for mine and pretend they're perfect. I have found healing in distancing myself from certain people, certain environments. I have discovered a newfound hope for my life and myself. For awhile, I gave up, thinking that I could never do this or that because so many bad things have happened in my life. But I am starting to believe again. Beli...