Journey of a Thousand Miles

In light of my future husband and children, I want them to have a wife and mother who established herself first, who didn't give up going after her dreams, who trusted God with her life and kept moving forward out of courage, who didn't settle for the easy life, but who defeated her giants and found the Promised Land on the other side. I want them to have a wife and mother who fought for her respect and dignity, who didn't give into her fears and go crawling back into her safe retreat, so that I can teach them how to do the same. The fight is not over yet. This is just the beginning; it's a journey, not a destination. This is all part of my journey, including the suffering. It takes awhile to find my place in a new city, including when I moved back home. It's when I grow a healthy social network that I start really loving my life.

What I Learned in 2014 having God is better than anything else we could ever want hope is what makes life worthwhile; keep hope alive, even when things look hopeless pray for what you want, but leave it in God’s hands and trust His wisdom over yours keep pressing on towards goals always do the positive action- take classes over giving up  sometimes you have to let go of people for a time, and that’s ok. find better friends. if God is not answering your prayer, surrender to him and enjoy where he has you don’t try to understand god’s plan; just trust him allow life to happen slowly; take your time; don’t rush; enjoy the slow time leave regret in the past leave success in God’s hands goals are a steady process; you can’t go from step 1 to 20. go from step 1 to 2 and be ok with the steady progress trust God’s will because our will might make us miserable you are lovable because god loves you God doesn’t have to explain anything; he doesn’t owe us an explanation. we ju...

What I learned from their story is that you never know how God will provide, and sometimes you have to be out on a limb to see God really work in your life. Better yet, you have to be willing to go out on a limb to see just how God can provide at the last minute. Also, God will not place you on top until you are ready and have done the grunt work to prepare yourself to be in the spotlight.  If a door is not opening right away, sometimes that means there is a missing link that God needs to provide, or sometimes that means He is waiting for you to see the door in a different way. Perhaps it is already open, and you just need to see it differently. Sometimes we need to leave a door open instead of closing it and finding a new door.  God knows exactly what we need in the next season, and He will provide what we need and prepare us for it in this season.  Maybe God knew exactly when I would need a husband. He waited until the last damn minute, but he finally provid...

Sometimes our minds tell us lies to make sense of what doesn't make sense. But that doesn't mean those lies are true. Sometimes there is a missing element that hasn't shown itself yet. Give the benefit of the doubt- put your hope in the positive. Put your hope in love. Even though God doesn't seem to show up when we expect Him to, do we still believe that He loves us? If you want to move on, you have to let go of the hurt. Don't become like those who have hurt you. Stay pure of heart.

I see a girl who is struggling so hard to get her head above water. She keeps swimming and can't seem to find the shore. She's tired and wants to give up the fight. She keeps asking for a rescue boat, but God never sends one. He says "I will help you swim. You'll grow really strong, and you'll be able to overcome many obstacles." The waters seem to go on forever with no hope on the horizon for a change. But she can't see what God has for her beyond the horizon: her Promised Land. If she doesn't give up, she'll get there, but she can't stop believing in what she can't see. She will battle many sharks; she's already got scars, both in her heart and on her body. She wonders who to trust and what to believe in. She's growing tired and weary of the fight. She wants to let herself drown, but God is keeping her afloat.  Please don't give up. Please wait and see what's over the horizon. Please keep swimming. 

He took me away from bad exes and healed me from the guilt and shame. He forgave me for that mess. He taught me how to express my emotions. He showed me how He can use my suffering for his good. He got me a job and my car and answered my prayer for a good boyfriend. He helped me to let go of negative friendships. He is teaching me how to forgive. He brought me home to my family. He wants me to experience joy again. He wants me to laugh again. He wants me to experience His love for me. He wants me to use my talents for His good. He wants me to find freedom in forgiveness. He wants me to know true love and stop hiding behind so many layers of hurt. He wants me to heal others. He answered my prayer for a sweet man who loves me for me. He has kept me from dying or getting ill. He has given me all my limbs and parts. He provided jobs for me when I needed money. He provided unemployment when I lost my jobs. He gave me Recovery when I needed help. He gave me counselors. ...

I wrote this when I was 26 years old. I am 33 now, and I still want to be this type of woman:  I want to be the type of woman who loves, appreciates, and accepts herself, imperfections and all. I want to be the type of woman who is not embarrassed by herself, but is gentle with herself. I want to be the type of woman who is gracious to herself and doesn't beat herself up. I want to value the experiences I've had and the lessons I've learned, even the hardest of lessons. I want to be the type of woman who knows who she is and doesn't let anyone else tell her otherwise. I want to be the type of woman who stands up for herself and doesn't back down for anybody. I want to be the type of woman who stands apart from the crowd, who shines out with confidence and doesn't back down out of insecurity. I don't want to hide who I am; I want to give glory to what God has given me. I want to be at ease with myself and at ease with life, knowing that I am exactly where I...

So I have to say, I am very, very excited for this new year. Ain't nobody can stop this year from being amazing, and 2017 is already off to a much better start than 2016. Last year, I was going through a very difficult breakup, and I felt so heartbroken. This year I am in a new, much better relationship with a way better man. And although I don't know where we'll end up, I am just happy to be with someone who is so loving and better than all the others. It's a learning process. I thought I would be single throughout the holidays, and instead God surprised me by reintroducing a special person into my life, and I got to have a boyfriend for Christmas and New Years and my upcoming birthday. Aside from my love life, I am excited for my career this year. I am finishing my album come January and releasing in the Spring, and going on tour in the summer. I plan to write many more songs and seek sync licensing. I know it may be too soon to expect a decent living with music thi...

I just wanted to update because I'm very happy with my life right now. I've been talking to someone new- a crush from high school- and we recently reconnected, and we are finding that we have sooooo much in common, it's not even funny. He might move to Australia with his job, but I am still enjoying this bit of time we have to talk and get to know each other. I can't believe this is my 3rd relationship this year- I usually have 1 relationship per year, and I give myself a long break in between. But I feel that God has lifted the barrier of me not dating anyone, and now He is giving me free reign. So far, so good because I have been dating MUCH better men than my usual. So I am happy because we enjoy all the same hobbies, the same music, the same everything! We do have some differences on religion (he's a Christian, but he doesn't celebrate Christmas), so that may be the make it or break it deal. But in the meantime, I am very happy getting to know him. In ot...

I am pretty excited for my goals for 2017. This was a long, arduous year, but I got through it, and I think next year will be ten times better. I just wanted to share some of my goals for next year (I have a lot). Finish "The Clockmaker's Quest" - This is the book I've been writing since 2007. This year I focused on plotting, and I am not finished, but I hope to finish the first draft next year. Then I will submit to an editor, a critique group, and start finding an agent.  Finish recording and release my 2nd album! - I have already finished writing songs for the album, submitted them to my producer, and I hope to go back to Nashville in January to finish recording. I hope to release sometime in the Spring, then go on tour in the summer.  Get a synch license - I have been researching different ways to make money as an indie artist, and synch licensing is the way to go. Basically, that means getting your songs into TV/film/commercials. They pay big bucks for the...

Life is going better for me. I'm happy. I'm hopeful. I'm excited for what's to come in 2017. I came a long way this year. I thought I wouldn't survive this year because the beginning started off so rough. God had to pluck things out of my life that didn't need to be there, and it was painful, but now I feel that He is planting new seeds that are growing, and I am happier for it. I have a good Christian community around me. I'm more involved at church. I'm moving in the right direction. I'm EXERCISING (what?!). I'm taking better care of my body. I'm reading His Word and fighting the spiritual battles with the right armor. I'm waiting on God for answered prayers instead of taking things into my own hands. I'm sitting still (for once), but I'm also working diligently towards my purpose. I'm allowing God to grow me. It's been a good last half of the year. I'm making big plans and planting seeds for next year. I think 201...

I am excited about life. Happy about life. Hopeful and everything in between. I am happy for the season I am in. I know that God is pruning my life, uprooting all the things that don't belong there, the things that aren't producing fruit, He is getting rid of that. I am no longer sad and depressed about being single. I am happy as a single because I know that God has a husband for me, and he will come in God's timing. I am no longer unsure about my music career. I know this is where God has me and where He wants me and where He is leading me. It is time for SELF-DISCIPLINE. It is a time for PRUNING. It is time to STAY OFF SOCIAL MEDIA. It's time to get serious about my songwriting. I am trusting the process. This is going to be a good season because I am CHOOSING to be happy. Yay!

I've been studying through the book of Numbers where the Israelites are scoping out the Promised Land to see what it's all about, and they see how rich it is, but they also see GIANTS! Caleb is the only one who wants to conquer the giants, but the rest of the Israelites are scared, and they'd rather go back to Egypt. I find it strange that instead of conquering their fears, they would rather go back to slavery. Why would you want to go back to being a slave when you have the Promised Land right in front of you? Then I realize that I'VE DONE THE SAME THING! I mean, how many times have I cowered out of fear and returned to familiarity instead of taking a leap of faith towards a dream? From the outside, it may seem like I'm a courageous person because I'm recording an album, but there are SO MANY TIMES when I have chosen the safer route instead of trusting God's promises. God had PROMISED the Israelites that they would take this land. And yet, THEY WERE S...

So many goals... so little time. Sometimes my goals make me feel like a failure because year after year, I don't get as much accomplished as I hoped. Some things take twice as long or ten times as long! It's good to remember that God's goals for us are better than our own goals. Things will happen in His timing, and I will only get accomplished what He wants me to accomplish. My eternal purpose is better than any earthly attainment. Still, I find myself looking at my own deadlines, wondering when I can accomplish it all. My bucket list grows and grows, but I don't have the money to travel to all the places I want to go. I don't have the time to finish my book, start a business, AND pursue music all at the same time. It's just not feasible. God only gives us so much time in a day. And even if I DID accomplish all those things, what would it be for? Approval? My own satisfaction? Those things don't matter in eternal light. So I try not to push myself to th...

I am headed to Ireland next week, and I couldn't be more excited to leave! I need a change of scenery. Not that anything is going bad in my life. Things are finally pretty calm for once. I just need some adventure in my life and to get away from my 'to do' list. Every vacation I have had has been for family or music, so it's nice to finally have a real vacation where I don't have something to do except enjoy life. For 2 WEEKS!!!! I have to be honest though. My ex has been on my mind, and I've been wondering how he's doing. Wondering if he's still with his new girl, or if he's ruined it already. My bet goes on the latter. But I still pray for him and hope that God is taking care of him because Lord knows I couldn't handle him. Only every once in awhile do I miss him. It's hard when I see a picture of him. But I don't want to speak to him for a very long time. God needs to do some work in him before I give him that privilege. And then I...

It's been awhile. I've been busy writing new music for the album, getting into a regular exercise regime, staying focused at work, and working through spiritual issues. I recently borrowed a book from a friend called "Rejection," and it talks about the spiritual side of rejection and why we feel it. Interesting stuff. It says that an evil spirit can enter a baby in the womb and manifest itself throughout that person's life. The spirit of rejection can move through several generations, and it's passed down to you through your family line. I know. Intense stuff! So I've been praying for God to remove this spirit from my life so I can get on with living, and it's a lot harder than you would think. Rejection can attach to you deep into your soul, and it takes some digging to get it out. But I don't want to live with it anymore, so I am grabbing my spiritual shovel and getting that sucker out. I want to live a good life without this fear hangi...

Transitions... I've been feeling like my life this year has been one big transition. I feel God's hand moving me to release my grip on things I was holding onto- an old relationship, a job- the things I was finding my security in instead of Jesus, and instead to move forward into a new assignment to be fully dependent on Him. It has been a battle. I have fought Him, and He has won. I struggled, and God pulled out all the muck from my heart. I prayed that He would take out all the bad and only allow what is good, and that is exactly what He did. I just didn't expect it to be as hard and ugly as it was. I was hoping for something a little easier. So here I stand in full surrender, with no real plans on the horizon. I have plans, but I keep them with open hands. I am recording an album next month, and I feel so haphazard and unprepared, but I'm moving forward with it anyway. I felt at peace when I signed the contract, and I am trusting God to do what God does, and I ...

I decided that I need to get out and serve more, and I love disaster relief, so I was thrilled when my pastor announced today that they needed volunteers to help with flood victims. I have been praying to get more involved in my community and to spend more time with Christian fellowship, so this was an answered prayer. I raced home to change clothes after church and was the first one to the host family home. It's sad to see how much the flood really affected some people. They got 27" in their home, and we gutted the entire kitchen today, ripping apart their cabinetry, and the work isn't even done yet. I can't imagine seeing your home ripped to shreds like that. I would wince every time I saw rain if that happened to me. But anyway, it was good for me to get out and do some manual labor, rather than sit at home all depressed because I'm all alone. I was going to go to singles group tonight, but all the dust from that house made me tired, and I have been napping si...

My show today went GREAT! I was very proud of my band, and we had a great scenery around us. There was a river and boat behind the stage, a green lawn in front of us, and tons of people and vendors. It was a sunny day with no rain (thank God), and we had amazing burgers afterwards. The sound guy could've done a better job, but as a musician, you get used to bad sound guys. I am just glad we got through our first performance! And even though we didn't do perfectly, I am still proud of us. With that said, I am now at home chilling all alone, still trying to recuperate from the hot sun today. I am busily posting pictures and videos of our performance, trying to stay on top of the social media game. Even though I'm single, I feel okay with it, and I am okay with spending the rest of my Saturday alone. I already had a pretty successful day, and I am satisfied. I don't need a million people to hang out with, and I'm trying to reconstruct my friendship base anyway. You...

I spent my Friday night alone with God, and I am perfectly fine with it. Things have been going exceptionally well. Is my life perfect? No way. I still struggle with loneliness and depression. I am still grieving over my breakup from a couple months ago. I am still trying to get used to doing life alone. I wanted to spend time with people today, but nobody was available. So I spent time in the Word. And I found that God is totally enough. I'd rather spend time with Him any day than spend it with the wrong people. I found satisfaction in my loneliness today because I realized I am not alone at all. God is always with me, and He's always available, even if our friends aren't. I can rest in that. Tomorrow I have a show, and I am excited. God has been opening lots of doors in the music world, and it's crazy how it's all happening all at once. It's like God had to get rid of my negative relationship in order to open the flood gates in my career. I am still ...