A Talk on Boundaries

One of the many topics we learned in Recovery was setting healthy boundaries in our relationships. Learning to say "no" is what allowed me to let go of an overdue relationship from college which served no purpose in my present life. Sometimes we need to set boundaries on people close to us- our family and friends- who cause us harm through their destructive behavior, and this can be hard because we don't want to hurt them. But sometimes giving in is more harmful than displeasing them.

Avoiding confrontation might seem like an immediate remedy to create harmony, but this only creates further conflict down the road. At first, the person you are setting boundaries with will become angry because they are used to being able to control others. When they can't control you, they are left to face themselves and have to grow up and change, since their former behavior no longer works. In essence, they are forced to deal with their own pain and stop blaming others. The worst thing we can do at this point is to give in to their anger because that only allows them to stay irresponsible and immature.

When you are encountering resistance from another person, remember that they are just experiencing growing pains; they are no longer able to use you as their crutch. The loudest person is always the one who has the most to lose from your boundaries. I am surprised by the amount of resistance I have gotten from friends and family when I've started to say "no" to others' controlling behavior. My first instinct was to give in and please, but I had to move past the guilt of trying to please people and instead allow them to grow because that is the best way I can show love to them. Giving in would not be true love. Remember that God does not give in to us when we cross His boundaries. He is very firm in His discipline for those He loves.

Sometimes when a person is continually destructive or hurtful, you have to exert physical or emotional distance from them. This is what I had to do with my ex and other harmful people. At first, you may feel guilty like you are abandoning people, but it is more harmful to stay in a destructive relationship and compromise your values than it is to leave and keep your values. I choose the latter.

If I were still trying to please men, then I would not be a servant of Christ. (Gal 1:10)

Remember, we are here to please God, not people. Pleasing God means loving others (even our enemies), forgiving their trespasses, and allowing people to reap the consequences of their actions. We are not here to fulfill the voids in other people's hearts or to complete them: that is God's job alone. So if another person is complaining or giving you grief for not idolizing them or relieving them from their miserable lives, know that this is their own character defect and let God change their hearts. You are not responsible for the misery of another.

And, if you are the one resisting another person's boundaries, I invite you to look inside yourself and ask why you need that control. What have you got to lose by not having control of another's behavior? Whatever you are looking for in this person, try to find it in Christ. No human can fulfill your needs for worth and significance. Only God can. Blaming others for your dissatisfaction only keeps your heart sick. If you want fulfillment in your life, let go of the crutches and cling to God. He will carry you further than any man can go.

Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in salt land where no one lives.

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots to the stream. It does not fear when the heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. (Jeremiah 17: 5-8)