Broken Homes

So life has been so crazy that I almost forgot to blog. Actually, I've been avoiding the ole blog because I really didn't want to talk about what was going on, which is alot of CRAP! Anyway...

Alot has been going on. God has been testing me. But... it's all good. I got a job. A temporary job for the holidays, so I'll be kept busy. I need it. A good managerial job to keep me responsible and busy.

Seriously though, the past week has been rough. There have been good times, mind you, but emotionally, things have been tough with my family. Through my Recovery group, I've been learning to deal with conflict differently than how I learned in my family, and going back to a family that still practices bad habits is not good for someone recovering from those things. Talk about high stress. So I've been in a lot of deep sorrow, anger, depression, you name it. I just thank GOD that I have the geographical distance from my family, and I have an amazing group of friends here in Austin, and I have an amazing church and an interesting life here. The main thing I love about my life here is that I'm serving other broken people, and it reminds me that everyone in the world is broken. We're all broken people, and we all need help. We all come from broken homes. We all come from families that are dysfunctional in some way. And hearing other people's stories reminds me that I'm not alone.

I started looking back on past journals when I started my move to Austin. Oh, how different my perspective was back then. I was definitely searching for things that would never satisfy me. It's so obvious to me now the things I longed for would never bring the only satisfaction that would ever fulfill me (which is God). I knew deep down that something was wrong, but I couldn't exactly peg what it was. Now it is clear as day. I was still seeking validation from anything and anyone. Now I know I only need God's validation, though I still struggle with knowing this.

A year ago, my life needed more meaning, and I have found that through my church and my service here, through helping others. A year ago, I still depended on people for my worth. I still thought I had to prove something to people. Now I know that I have nothing to prove, and I don't need to impress them anyway. God is already impressed with me. A year ago, I was still confused as to what would ever bring me happiness. Again, only God can satisfy me.

It has been quite a jarring year, and quite a learning experience.

So onto things that I am dealing with now... now that I am on the right track, and I know God is healing me and moving me into a better place...

I have been dealing with alot of sorrowful emotions because I see the pain in other people who I know could use some Recovery... and what if they never get that help? These are people that I deeply care about.

Then there is my loneliness. It doesn't matter how close or how far I am from home, I always struggle with this. I struggled with this even when I lived with my family. Even when I have friends around me. Even when I have God. I still, from time to time, feel utterly, desperately lonely. Like no one really understands or "gets" me. Even when I open up and bear all to them. Even when I am totally exposed to them. Which brings me to this... God is the only One who knows us completely. Even our significant others can never completely know us. And that is saddening, but true.

And speaking of significant others, my heart has been very patient for God to answer this prayer for me. It's strange how He'll answer some prayers in a matter of days or weeks, but with this one prayer, He has taken years to answer, and He knows I want this more than anything else in the world. I know that God wants to bless me. I know He cares about me and wants to answer this prayer. And maybe sometimes I do try to rush Him before I am ready. I know that with all the time I have been waiting, He better have someone amazing for me. And I know He is preparing me for someone amazing because I am becoming more of the type of woman that can attract the type of man I want. I know God has an amazing father prepared for my future children. This is something I care deeply about, so I am trying my darndest to stay patient with God. Very, very patient. I wouldn't want to settle for less than God's best. Only a lifetime of struggles would be ahead of me if I did.

God has humbled my heart in many ways. He has healed my heart in many ways. He has strengthened my heart in many ways. And it is not over yet. I am only 26. I still have a lifetime of growth ahead of me.

Anyway... just thought I'd get all this out and update you guys on what the heck is going on with me lately.