Control
Recovery has me angry lately. I'm going through some hard stuff, bringing up junk from the past that I am still angry over, and it's not fun for the soul. It's good for the soul, but not fun.
I realized that I still try to control my outcomes, rather than leave them in God's hands. I still try to control my circumstances, probably because my self-esteem still comes from outside sources, rather than within. I am still learning and praying how to find my self-esteem from within.
If anybody knows how to do this, let me know.
Comments
So you have to ask:
Who am I? (I prefer Whose am I? since we've been purchased)
Where did I come from?
How did I get here?
Why am I a _____?
Don't let another person tell you these answers. You have to know them within and the Bible gives you the correct answers...many times we have the wrong ones inside.
Once you truly realize and embed inside you that you are the daughter of the Most High that you were purchased and saved from sin. That the Creator Himself died for you...not just the world but for you specifically. That we are to be dead to self and alive in Christ. That God knew you before you were born and that he knit you together carefully forming you into a beautiful woman that is in His image. That He has never left your side and continues to walk with you through everything and He has carried you. He has put the desires into your heart and He has protected you from the enemy.
See...what I started to realize was when people would say things to or about me or did things to me that they were not doing them to me because I was dead. I live no more but Christ is living in me. They are attacking Christ not me. I had problems with people saying things or taking things I said the wrong way so I started building a wall around myself to keep people out...but it caused me to shut myself in and shutdown to others. With Christ's help, He has been destroying that wall and restoring me to what He wanted me to be.
Don't think you were in the wrong for past stuff...that you should have been less trusting or had some defense mechanism or shield to protect you from the world...we were not built to have that because we were designed to be in a perfect world fellowshipping with God (Garden of Eden)...but the world is oozing and dripping with sin and its corrupted everything and everyone. The past people, things, events were just the effects of sin...not yours but the result of the original sin in the world.
The last thing I'll suggest which I think you already know is to be careful of your self talk...negative thoughts. To do this you have to:
Recognize you are beautiful and unique.
Get away from believing you need to compete
Realize Self Worth is innate worth and not determined by action
Recognize that mistakes are stepping stones to achievement
Eliminate Critics
Monitor Self Talk
Design an Ad campaign for yourself to read often with affirmative reminders...these must be statements as if they have already happened...when writing them use I and write personally, say what you want and write in the present tense, use words that trigger emotion. When describing often use words like consistently or regularly and don't use always or never. Be specific about what you want.
If you could comprehend how truly amazing, awesome, and beautiful you are then the self esteem comes. Don't try to find self-esteem...find your self image...find that Christ is within you and he is changing you to be more like Him every day...He is in charge of that self image and He knows what He is doing. Its not us...we cannot create that image...if we could we'd become narcissistic and prideful. Its also good because we can't destroy it. Christ is doing it all...He has created us into a new creation and we can boast in Him.
Read and meditate on Psalm 139. You were wonderfully made and God doesn't make a mistake. You are special and He took his time making you.