Journey of a Thousand Miles

In light of my New Years Resolution to get back on the road again, I think my first and foremost necessary goal for 2011 is to put God first. It baffles me how many times I forget to do this when the going gets tough. I tend to seek help from others and even myself, searching for any kind of good advice or words of wisdom from the sages, rather than go to the Ultimate Wise One who has the only true words that will satisfy me and lead me in the right direction. Lately, I've been confused and hopeless on the direction of my career. My financial situation in Austin has been quite a struggle, and it seems I just can't get both feet on the ground. I have interviewed for two jobs that I really wanted, and both have turned out unavailable to me. This also happened when I first graduated college, and I ended up getting to travel through Europe and found a job when I got back, so I've learned to trust God in these instances. But sometimes, my faith isn't so strong. Like today. T...

As we approach the end of 2010, I like to reflect on the changes made in the past year and talk about my resolution for next year. My resolution for this past year was more of a list rather, and here it is in all it's entirety: apply to grad school take control of my life think more positively live for God's purpose and not my own define myself by how God views me and not how others view me don't take things so personally trust God more be happier forgive more be easier to get along with I have to say, I think I did a good job of accomplishing most of my goals on this list. I didn't accomplish #1, but that's what 2011 will be dedicated to. And for #2, I allowed God to take control of my life, rather than trying to control it myself. But #3-10, I feel I accomplished, and that is a good feeling. So now on to 2011... I want 2011 to be dedicated to getting back on the road again... on the road to my dreams, goals, and ultimately, to myself. In 2005, I took a long detour...

So it's coming to that time again when I need to start planning my next year and thinking of what direction I want to take it. Seeing that I still haven't found my "dream career," whatever that is, I have been pondering grad school once again. There are two areas of study that I'm interested in: Creative Writing and Interior Design. I still haven't decided which one would better suit me, but I think I would be happy with both. So anyway, here are my plans as of yet: Plan A- MFA in Creative Writing at UT or other school Plan B- Rotary scholarship to study abroad for a year Plan C- Master's in Interior Design at any school I get into Plan D- find a decent job in Austin and forget grad school Plan E- (god forbid) move back home So those are my plans in the order I prefer them. If anybody has any tips or advice, I need it NOW. I am having a hard time with these decisions right now, and I've been praying for God to give me direction, and He hasn't given...

Recovery has me angry lately. I'm going through some hard stuff, bringing up junk from the past that I am still angry over, and it's not fun for the soul. It's good for the soul, but not fun. I realized that I still try to control my outcomes, rather than leave them in God's hands. I still try to control my circumstances, probably because my self-esteem still comes from outside sources, rather than within. I am still learning and praying how to find my self-esteem from within. If anybody knows how to do this, let me know.

In your darkest moments, find the light and turn to it. This is something I've had to instill in me this past year. I've really had to learn how to take control of my thoughts and how I feel about myself and to stop being so negative. I can get myself down on just one negative thought after another, and I don't even notice that I'm doing it until I'm already in this depressive state and can't get myself out of it. It's like digging a deep dark pit for myself, and by the time I realize I'm doing it, I'm at the bottom of the pit. But I've learned in the past year how to climb out of the pit without the help of others. It's difficult, but it can be done. After all I've been through and all I've overcome, I have no reason not to feel good about myself. But sometimes, I still get low and moody and tear myself apart. There's no reason for this. And so that's why I have set out to treat myself right and stop abusing my emotions. I ...

So life has been so crazy that I almost forgot to blog. Actually, I've been avoiding the ole blog because I really didn't want to talk about what was going on, which is alot of CRAP! Anyway... Alot has been going on. God has been testing me. But... it's all good. I got a job. A temporary job for the holidays, so I'll be kept busy. I need it. A good managerial job to keep me responsible and busy. Seriously though, the past week has been rough. There have been good times, mind you, but emotionally, things have been tough with my family. Through my Recovery group, I've been learning to deal with conflict differently than how I learned in my family, and going back to a family that still practices bad habits is not good for someone recovering from those things. Talk about high stress. So I've been in a lot of deep sorrow, anger, depression, you name it. I just thank GOD that I have the geographical distance from my family, and I have an amazing group of friends here...

My oh my, how God works in mysterious ways. God has a way of convicting me in my most downtrodden moments. Earlier, I posted a blog while I was in that moment, while I felt lost and confused. And then after I posted, God brought me a message that convicted my heart... I stumbled upon a sermon podcast that my church did in January. For some reason, I'd never heard the sermon before, and in some strange way, God led me to listen to it today... the one day it really pertained to me. Basically, the sermon was about the Israelites while they were in the wilderness. They had been exiled from their slavery in Egypt, and they came upon the Promised Land, only to find that there were giants. God had brought them all that way, and now He wasn't keeping His promises. They wanted to go back to Egypt. Back to their slavery. Back to familiar. God killed some of the Israelites in the wilderness because of their unbelief. They did not get to see the Promised Land. Austin was supposed to be m...