Journey of a Thousand Miles

It seems so much longer than a year since I moved to Austin. I have changed so much that it seems I have aged five years, both in maturity and in weariness. I first came here open and vulnerable to new experiences, ready to take on the city and show them what I had, though I wasn't quite brave enough to really do that. I had a host of dependencies that I was carrying with me that wouldn't let me walk on my own. I had hangups that I was still harboring in my heart and false perceptions that would eventually carry themselves to the surface, only to be scrutinized, condemned, and then changed. For the first few months, I was very hurt, confused, and disappointed at what I would find in my new life. I longed to go back to my old life, to find my dreams again, to grasp tightly to those things I so dearly depended on for my security. It wouldn't be long before I would be wiped clean of everything I clinged to and set on a different path that I was not familiar with. I had to beco...

Just when I think it's impossible for me to grow any stronger and start to believe I'll always be this way, God proves me otherwise. Living on my own, away from my family, has been an immense struggle, but I knew going into it that the challenges I would face and lessons I'd learn would be worth it in the long run. God has forced me into situations that I would normally run away from, compelling me to change and find a way to overcome my struggles. In this next year in Austin, I want to dedicate my life to healing and growth and let God bring me what He will bring me. I have finally come to accept my singleness. I don't need the distraction of a guy from my healing process, and I want to find mental stability without depending on a man. In my instability, I will only find a guy who will bring me down, and I have already been there and done that. I know that road all too well, and I will not walk down it again. I am leaning on God, now more than ever, and taking ...

A challenge that I have had to face in my life is letting my circumstances get the best of me. It's hard to see the light when you're focused on the darkness. I know what kind of life I want, and I won't give up until I get there, but sometimes it's so easy to give up when it doesn't look like things are going to change, when everything around me is just same-old, same-old not where I want to be. I know we are called to be grateful for what we have, but what if what we have is bringing us down and stealing our soul away? I know that changing my life starts with changing myself, but it becomes all-too-easy to follow the familiar path when things get a little risky. This is another challenge I have had to face in my life. I'm trying to learn to take more risks to get the life I want. It takes one step at a time. It takes jumping in the pool instead of wading in the waters. It took a huge leap of faith to move to Austin. But I soon learned that until I changed w...

I can't believe it's already June! July will mark my one-year anniversary of moving to Austin, and I have to say, despite my struggles here (and there are many), it was definitely a good move on my part. I look forward to see what's in store for me for the next year. With that said, I had a great Memorial weekend. I caught up on some very much-needed sleep, did some writing, hanging out with people, then finished off the weekend with some kayaking on the lake and a pool party with friends, which reminded me why I moved here in the first place (the great outdoors). I have met so many people here in Austin, and it's interesting to see these people become my friends. Although our differences can rub each other the wrong way, I have come to learn how to let my guard down and let people see the vulnerable side of me, which isn't easy to do. I have always been shy and a closed book when it comes to revealing myself, but I have come to learn the satisfaction in letting ...

Something I have been learning lately is how to give it all to God. I have been worrying too much about my love life and "when the heck is he gonna get here?" and the fact that I hate being single, when I could be using that energy on much more productive aspirations. So instead of fighting with God to hurry the hell up, I have decided to wave my white flag and surrender to Him. I will let Him do His work so I can focus on mine. Because that's all I really can do. And not only am I giving Him my love life, but I am handing over all areas of my life. That way, I have alot less weighing down on me throughout the day.

Written: August 12, 2008 I wrote a poem. Enjoy. Bag of Dreams If I ever get where I need to be Starting to think there's no place for me Lonesome wanderer just biding my time Standing in back to avoid the line Troubles speak through unanswered prayers Wonder aloud if there's anyone there Forgotten like an old book on the shelf Dusty, wish I could open myself Dragging my feet through guarded trails Running in circles and chasing my tail Hoping I'll learn before it's too late To die as a fool, now that I would hate Fight for a cause that I hardly know I stay 'cause I have no place else to go Do I have any reason in being here Just a waste of atoms in the atmosphere If I learn the way, only time will tell Have a bag of dreams that are up for sale Willing to bargain and make a good trade These dreams leave a stain, they'll never fade

I think my life is on a good track. I have found healing in these past few months that I've been away from home. I have found healing in a new relationship that focuses on God, rather than selfish desires. I have found healing by dating a guy who is not manipulative but who cares enough about me to wait for certain things, rather than fulfill his instant gratification. I have found healing knowing that I am worth the wait, that I am beautiful just as I am, that I am talented and smart. I have found healing in godly friends who care about me enough to pray for me and listen to my problems and be honest about their own, rather than condemn me for mine and pretend they're perfect. I have found healing in distancing myself from certain people, certain environments. I have discovered a newfound hope for my life and myself. For awhile, I gave up, thinking that I could never do this or that because so many bad things have happened in my life. But I am starting to believe again. Beli...