Loving Difficult People

The reason a relationship feels difficult is that the person has become the living embodiment of the voices in your head. She taps into insecurities already roosting within. Her lack of approval or validation triggers a chorus line of inner complaint- it disturbs the little girl in you who uses any excuse to remind you what she deeply believes:

If you were just smarter, thinner, prettier, holier or at least a better mother... you'd feel like Somebody. You'd meet with more applause. Your parking ticket would be stamped, and then you could make your way onto the freeway of life with all the other grown-ups.

That may sound a bit strong. But honestly, when you peel back the layers of a person you find difficult to love- of a relationship that feels intolerable- this is the white noise in the background of your soul. It's true for all of us. We can be paralyzed by the power we give someone to name us.

For a long time, the human tendency is to try harder- to perform or reform or otherwise turn life into a juggling act. And usually, as the dance goes, for a thousand reasons, they cannot deliver the validation that you want.

That can be a great disappointment. It's tempting to exit the relationship entirely. When the blessing or the approval or the encouragement just isn't there in sufficient quantities, it can be a real disappointment.

Or it can spring your trap and spell your freedom.

So what does this say about the impossible person in your life? It means that God has placed this person in your path for a reason. God wants to spring the lock on the cage of disapproval or rejection you've lived in- not necessarily by removing this particular human voice, but rather by allowing you to hear His more clearly.

Fearless vulnerability- the woman who is already loved by Christ and is able to love someone without much flowing back to her. It spells freedom.

Only God can name me.

There is a real you in there whom only God knows- an actual you He created and loved from before the world began. To be this woman, a woman whom Jesus loves, is enough. It will carry you all the way home, if you let it.

My life and my worth are not at the mercy of any human being.

Hold people lightly-

God brings certain individuals into your life for a season. No one stays permanently. If my life is rooted in the love of Christ, then friendships and relationships are what they are- gifts for a season to be received and enjoyed. If I cling or hold on for dear life, the relationship will crumble in my hand. If I hold people lightly, my friend is not required to take my advice or accept my help. I can love someone without pulling from her more than she wants to give. Holding people lightly is a huge part of loving well.

Our misery is meant to lead us to the courage we need. We have to find Christ as the Source of our identity and worth. That will often stretch someone we love where they need to be stretched. Indeed, courage is the face of love when it invites the other person into growth and freedom-which, for a Christian, means that you are learning to actively trust God in places where old fears and insecurities have controlled you.

Acceptance-

You can respect someone's strength and yet also see his insecurities. Less and less can you be fooled into thinking his response is always and inevitably a reflection of you. It's easier to love a difficult person when you understand that it's not about you.

God enlarges the spaces in our own cramped hearts so others actually find a refuge there.

The people we call difficult are the ones God most uses to purchase our freedom from prisons we hardly knew we inhabited. Learning to love out of a heart set free is indeed the only hope that does not fail.