Journey of a Thousand Miles

Thanksgiving went well. It's really good to go home after being away for so long. So I have been really developing myself as a woman lately. When I was in Houston, I was walking on crutches, depending on other people to give me the things I wanted in life. But when I moved to Austin, those crutches were taken from me, and I fell hard, and it was easy to point the finger for awhile. But after so long, no one would come around to help me walk, so I had to stop pointing the finger and start learning to walk on my own. It has been extremely difficult, but it has made alot of positive changes in my life. All the things I thought I needed from other people, I found I could get myself. And all the good things in life start within me. I hope that a year from now, I can say I am much closer to the woman I want to be, and I hope that my life is in a much better place. I know this is all very vague, but it's all very vague to me too. So I have also been reading the Bible, as I may have me...

I realized today something very important and life-changing: I subconsciously guide my own life. Even when my life is not going where I want it to, I subconsciously brought it there. That means I can also subconsciously bring my life out of it and through it and on to something better. I read through some journals of mine from the past couple of years, and it's funny how the things I wished for 2 years ago have somehow come about in some form or another. That means the things I wish for today will somehow come about also, which is awesome, but it's also scary because: what if my subconscious is guiding me towards things that I don't want? How often do I think negative thoughts in a day? And how powerful these thoughts really are. It's scary. We guide ourselves into our life's messes. I have guided myself out of alot of my past messes, but some of it has stayed with me because I subconsciously haven't moved on from them. Strange, but true. And scary (I know I kee...

So I've started researching grad schools in different states, mainly the East Coast, and it's got me wondering if grad school is really worth it. I mean, I'll be broke all the time, away from my family (unless I can magically get into UT), and well... yes I love writing, but do I love it enough to sacrifice my family and financial security? I just don't know. I still get homesick, even when I'm only 2 1/2 hours away, so what makes me think I can live many states northward? Eeks. It scares me. I was very excited about the idea at first, but now I just feel overwhelmed. So I just have to say that fall is very beautiful here in Austin. I love the colder weather and the orange leaves. Sooo, so beautiful.

So I get really tired of whining on this thing, and I get tired of whining altogether. I have learned alot about myself out here in Austin, and I have really had to come face-to-face with alot of my behavior traits that keep me from enjoying the good things in life. I'm really grateful that I can face these things so I can work on them and be rid of them. Yes, I have struggled out here, but through pain, God brings redemption. And I think God is polishing me up and scrubbing away those negative qualities so I can become a better, stronger person and continue on my way to going after my dreams. Even though things haven't panned out exactly as I hoped here in Austin, they're paving a better way for a better life, and I can't complain about that. I read a verse yesterday in Matthew that said something like, "Why worry if it cannot add any days to your life?" and it really hit me bc I worry about alot of stuff all the time. Worrying about being single isn't go...

So... things have been a constant see-saw for me in Austin. Living on my own has proven to be quite a challenge, and has emitted quite a number of headaches and stress-induced panic attacks. But things are good for today... at this very moment, so I decided to do an update while my hopes are still high. My life has been pretty eventful here, I must say. In Houston, I was just living in my dreams, wishing for a better life, which is what brought me to Austin in the first place. And I have to say, living your "dreams" is alot less glamorous starting out. It's a constant struggle, but I know that if I trust God, He has redemption waiting for me just around the corner. And blessings. So I am being as patient as possible, while trying not to lose my mind. Sometimes I miss the comfort and ease of home, but I know that if I went back, I would feel like I gave up everything I ever fought for, everything that I'm struggling and striving for, and I am not yet ready to compromis...