Journey of a Thousand Miles

Recovery has me angry lately. I'm going through some hard stuff, bringing up junk from the past that I am still angry over, and it's not fun for the soul. It's good for the soul, but not fun. I realized that I still try to control my outcomes, rather than leave them in God's hands. I still try to control my circumstances, probably because my self-esteem still comes from outside sources, rather than within. I am still learning and praying how to find my self-esteem from within. If anybody knows how to do this, let me know.

In your darkest moments, find the light and turn to it. This is something I've had to instill in me this past year. I've really had to learn how to take control of my thoughts and how I feel about myself and to stop being so negative. I can get myself down on just one negative thought after another, and I don't even notice that I'm doing it until I'm already in this depressive state and can't get myself out of it. It's like digging a deep dark pit for myself, and by the time I realize I'm doing it, I'm at the bottom of the pit. But I've learned in the past year how to climb out of the pit without the help of others. It's difficult, but it can be done. After all I've been through and all I've overcome, I have no reason not to feel good about myself. But sometimes, I still get low and moody and tear myself apart. There's no reason for this. And so that's why I have set out to treat myself right and stop abusing my emotions. I ...

So life has been so crazy that I almost forgot to blog. Actually, I've been avoiding the ole blog because I really didn't want to talk about what was going on, which is alot of CRAP! Anyway... Alot has been going on. God has been testing me. But... it's all good. I got a job. A temporary job for the holidays, so I'll be kept busy. I need it. A good managerial job to keep me responsible and busy. Seriously though, the past week has been rough. There have been good times, mind you, but emotionally, things have been tough with my family. Through my Recovery group, I've been learning to deal with conflict differently than how I learned in my family, and going back to a family that still practices bad habits is not good for someone recovering from those things. Talk about high stress. So I've been in a lot of deep sorrow, anger, depression, you name it. I just thank GOD that I have the geographical distance from my family, and I have an amazing group of friends here...