Codependent No More
How others act does not need to affect how we think or act.
Even our Higher Power can't do much with us until we have detached. We have to detach from others in order to attach ourselves to God!
If we're focusing all our energies on people and problems we have little left for the business of living our own lives.
Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our heads we can't solve our problems. Whenever we become attached in these ways to someone or something, we become detached from ourselves. We lose touch with ourselves. We forfeit our power and ability to think, feel, act, and take care of ourselves. We lose control.
Obsession with another human being, or a problem, is an awful thing to be caught up in.
Worrying, obsessing, and controlling are illusions. They are tricks we play on ourselves. We feel like we are doing something to solve our problems, but we're not.
Detachment is NOT:
-a cold, hostile withdrawal
-a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way
-a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves and others
-a severing of relationships
-a removal of our love and concern
Detachment is releasing a person or problem, out of love. It is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We keep our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead. If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves that same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability. We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. Then we stop trying to change things we can't. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing. If we cannot solve a problem and we have done what we could, we learn to live with, or in spite of, that problem. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.
Detachment involves "present moment living"- living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day.
Detachment also involves accepting reality- the facts. It requires faith- in ourselves, in God, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world. We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment. We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems. We trust that all is well in spite of the conflicts. We trust that God knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening. We understand that God can do much more to solve the problem than we can. So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it. In time, we know that all is well because we see how the strangest (and sometimes most painful) things work out for the best and for the benefit of everyone.
Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don't hurt ourselves.
The rewards from detachment are great:
-serenity
-a deep sense of peace
-the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways
-the freedom to find real solutions to our problems
-freedom to live our own lives without excessive feelings of guilt or responsibility toward others
-sometimes motivates and frees people around us to begin to solve their problems
-we stop worrying about them, and they pick up the slack and finally start worrying about themselves
-we each mind our own business!
Detachment is both an act and an art. It is a way of life. I believe it is also a gift. And it will be given to those who seek it.
If we are detached, we are in a better position to work on or through our resentful emotions. If we're attached, we probably won't do anything other than stay upset.
We react because we're anxious and afraid of what has happened, what might happen, and what is happening. Many of us react as though everything is a crisis because we have lived with so many crises for so long that crisis reaction has become a habit. We react because we think things shouldn't be happening the way they are. We react because we don't feel good about ourselves. We don't have to react.
WE DON'T HAVE TO BE SO AFRAID OF PEOPLE. They are just people like us. We don't have to forfeit our peace. It doesn't help. We have the same facts and resources available to us when we're peaceful that are available to us when we're frantic and chaotic. Actually we have more resources available bc our minds and emotions are free to perform at peak level.
We don't have to forfeit our power to think and feel for anyone or anything. That is also not required of us.
We don't have to take things so seriously. What we say and do is important, what others say and do is important, but the world doesn't hinge on any particular speech or action. And if it is particularly important that something gets done or said, don't worry: It'll happen. Lighten up. Give yourself and others room to move, to talk, to be who they are- to be human. Give life a chance to happen. Give yourself an opportunity to enjoy it.
We don't have to take other people's behaviors as reflections of our self-worth. Each person is responsible for his or her behavior.
We don't have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth. If somebody who is important (or unimportant) to you rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would be if you had not been rejected. Don't forfeit your self-esteem to another's disapproval or rejection of who you are or what you have done. Don't reject yourself, and don't give so much power to other people's rejection of you. It isn't necessary.
We don't have to take things so personally. When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don't love you- they are saying they don't love themselves.
We don't have to take little things personally either. If someone has a bad day or gets angry, don't assume it has something to do with you. It may or may not have something to do with you. If it does you'll find out. Usually things have far less to do with us than we think.
An interruption, someone else's bad mood, sharp tongue, bad day, negative thoughts, or problems does not have to run or ruin our lives, our day, or even an hour of our day. If people don't want to be with us or act healthy, it is not a reflection on our self-worth. It reflects on their present circumstances. By practicing detachment we can lessen our destructive reactions to the world around us. Separate yourself from things. Leave things alone, and let people be who they are. Who are you to say that the interruption, mood, word, bad day, thought, or problem is not an important and necessary part of life? Who are you to say that this problem won't ultimately be beneficial to you or someone else?
We don't have to react. We have options. And each time we exercise our right to choose how we want to act, think, feel, and behave, we feel better and stronger.
Sometimes people behave in certain ways to provoke us to react in certain ways. If we stop reacting in these certain ways, we take all the fun out of it for them. We remove ourselves from their control and take away their power over us.
Sometimes our reactions provoke other people to react in certain ways. We help them justify certain behaviors.
Codependents aren't the people who "make things happen." They are the people who consistently, and with a great deal of effort and energy, try to force things to happen.
When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled. We forfeit our power to think, feel, and act in accordance with our best interests. We frequently lose control of ourselves.
You didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't cure it. So stop trying!
There comes a time to let go. When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free.
The less good stuff we find in ourselves, the more we seek it in others. They have it all, we have nothing.
Too much dependency on a person can kill love. Relationships based on emotional insecurity and need, rather than on love, can become self-destructive. Too much need attracts the wrong kind of people.
Being ourselves and being responsible for ourselves do not have to be so painful and scary. We can handle things, whatever life brings our way. We don't have to be so dependent on the people around us. We can live without any particular human being. Knowing we can live without someone does not mean we have to live without that person, but it may free us to love and live in ways that work.
Stop looking for happiness in other people. Our source of happiness and well-being is not inside others; it's inside us. Learn to center ourselves in ourselves. Stop centering and focusing on other people. Settle down with and in ourselves. Stop seeking so much approval and validation from others. We don't need the approval of everyone and anyone. We only need our approval. We have all the same sources for happiness and making choices inside us that others do. Find and develop our own internal supply of peace, well-being, and self-esteem. Relationships help, but they cannot be our source. Develop personal cores of emotional security with ourselves.
This "what if" attitude is always good for a strong dose of fear. We scare ourselves then wonder why we feel so frightened.
We don't like ourselves, and we're not going to let ourselves get any of the good stuff because we believe we don't deserve it.
We can cherish ourselves and our lives. We can nurture ourselves and love ourselves. We can accept our wonderful selves, with all our faults, foibles, strong points, weak points, feelings, thoughts, and everything else. It's the best thing we've got going for us. It's who we are, and who we were meant to be. And it's not a mistake. We are the greatest thing that will ever happen to us. Believe it. It makes life much easier.
The only difference b/w codependents and the rest of the world is that the other people don't pick on themselves for being who they are. All people think similar thoughts and have a range of feelings. All people make mistakes and do a few things rights. So we can leave ourselves alone.
We are lovable, and we are worth getting to know. We have a right to be happy. We deserve good things.
The people who look the most beautiful are the same as us. The only difference is they're telling themselves they look good, and they're letting themselves shine through. The people who say the most profound, intelligent, or witty things are the same as us. They're letting go, being who they are. The people who appear the most confident and relaxed are no different from us. They've pushed themselves thru fearful situations and told themselves they could make it. The ppl who are successful are the same as us. They've gone ahead and developed their gifts and talents, and set goals for themselves. We're all working with approx. the same material- humanity. It's how we feel about ourselves that makes the difference. It's what we tell ourselves that makes the difference.
Acceptance brings peace. It is frequently the turning point for change.
Perhaps the most painful loss many codependents face is the loss of our dreams, the hopeful and sometimes idealistic expectations for the future that most people have. This loss can be the most difficult to accept.
Nothing dies more slowly and painfully than a dream.
If we are ever to replace our lost dreams with new dreams and feel sane and peaceful again, we must accept reality.
We cannot change who we are until we accept ourselves the way we are.
It has also been my experience that my Higher Power seems reluctant to intervene in my circumstances until I accept what He has already given me.
Failure to follow desire, to do what you want to do most, paves the way to mediocrity. Success requires heart and soul effort and you can only put your heart and soul into something you really desire.
Goals give us direction and purpose. Decide where you want to go or approx. where you want to end up and steer your car in that general direction. That is how I try to live my life. Sometimes things happen, and for a variety of reasons I may not end up where I wanted to go. If I change my mind or problems beyond my control interfere, I find myself doing something other than what I had planned to do. I usually end up someplace better or someplace that is better for me. That is where acceptance, trust, faith, and letting go come in. But at least I'm not driving aimlessly thru life. More of the things I want come to pass. I'm less worried about solving problems bc I've turned my problems into goals. And I'm starting to think about and consider what I want and need.
Goals cure boredom.
Things happen when the time is right- when we're ready, when God is ready, when the world is ready. Give up. Let go. But keep it on our list.
Our communication reeks of repressed feelings, repressed thoughts, ulterior motives, low self-worth, and shame.
Why are we afraid to tell people who we are? Because who we are is all we've got, and we're afraid of being rejected. Some of us may be afraid bc we're not sure who we are and what we want to say. Many of us have been inhibited and controlled. Some of us have had to protect ourselves, to survive. However, most of us are afraid to tell people who we are bc we don't believe it is okay to be who we are.
If we are not so absorbed in other people and their business, we are free to set our own goals and reach our dreams. Good things can, do, and will happen to us if we allow those things to happen and if we are open to and believe we deserve those things. The good things probably won't happen without some struggle and pain, but at least we will be struggling and stretching for something worthwhile, instead of simply suffering.
It's ok to succeed, to have good things, and to have loving relationships that work. These things may not come easily or naturally. We may struggle and kick and want to hide our heads in the sand along the way. That's ok. That's how growth feels. If it feels too comfortable, too natural, or too easy, we're not growing and we're not doing anything different. We're doing the same things we always have, and that's why it feels so comfortable.
Learning to live and love again means finding a balance: learning to love and, at the same time, living our own lives; learning to love without getting so emotionally entangled with the object of our affection; and learning to love others without forfeiting love for ourselves. We need to learn to live, love, and have fun so each activity does not unreasonably interfere with any of the others.
We need to find the balance b/w solving problems and learning to live with unsolved problems. Much of our anguish comes from having to live with the grief of unsolved problems, and having things not go the way we hoped and expected. We need to find a balance b/w letting go of our expectations and remembering we are important, valuable people who deserve to lead decent lives.
There
is a difference between letting the reactions of others take over our
life and respecting others' opinions while maintaining our own
perspective and integrity.
Letting
someone else decide who we will be, how we will act, and what we will
feel implies that we have given up our own life in exchange for whatever
the other person wants us to be. When we adopt opinions that aren't
consistent with our personal values, we are not living our own lives. We
are not free.
Even our Higher Power can't do much with us until we have detached. We have to detach from others in order to attach ourselves to God!
If we're focusing all our energies on people and problems we have little left for the business of living our own lives.
Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our heads we can't solve our problems. Whenever we become attached in these ways to someone or something, we become detached from ourselves. We lose touch with ourselves. We forfeit our power and ability to think, feel, act, and take care of ourselves. We lose control.
Obsession with another human being, or a problem, is an awful thing to be caught up in.
Worrying, obsessing, and controlling are illusions. They are tricks we play on ourselves. We feel like we are doing something to solve our problems, but we're not.
Detachment is NOT:
-a cold, hostile withdrawal
-a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way
-a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves and others
-a severing of relationships
-a removal of our love and concern
Detachment is releasing a person or problem, out of love. It is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We keep our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead. If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves that same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability. We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. Then we stop trying to change things we can't. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing. If we cannot solve a problem and we have done what we could, we learn to live with, or in spite of, that problem. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.
Detachment involves "present moment living"- living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day.
Detachment also involves accepting reality- the facts. It requires faith- in ourselves, in God, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world. We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment. We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems. We trust that all is well in spite of the conflicts. We trust that God knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening. We understand that God can do much more to solve the problem than we can. So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it. In time, we know that all is well because we see how the strangest (and sometimes most painful) things work out for the best and for the benefit of everyone.
Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don't hurt ourselves.
The rewards from detachment are great:
-serenity
-a deep sense of peace
-the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways
-the freedom to find real solutions to our problems
-freedom to live our own lives without excessive feelings of guilt or responsibility toward others
-sometimes motivates and frees people around us to begin to solve their problems
-we stop worrying about them, and they pick up the slack and finally start worrying about themselves
-we each mind our own business!
Detachment is both an act and an art. It is a way of life. I believe it is also a gift. And it will be given to those who seek it.
If we are detached, we are in a better position to work on or through our resentful emotions. If we're attached, we probably won't do anything other than stay upset.
We react because we're anxious and afraid of what has happened, what might happen, and what is happening. Many of us react as though everything is a crisis because we have lived with so many crises for so long that crisis reaction has become a habit. We react because we think things shouldn't be happening the way they are. We react because we don't feel good about ourselves. We don't have to react.
WE DON'T HAVE TO BE SO AFRAID OF PEOPLE. They are just people like us. We don't have to forfeit our peace. It doesn't help. We have the same facts and resources available to us when we're peaceful that are available to us when we're frantic and chaotic. Actually we have more resources available bc our minds and emotions are free to perform at peak level.
We don't have to forfeit our power to think and feel for anyone or anything. That is also not required of us.
We don't have to take things so seriously. What we say and do is important, what others say and do is important, but the world doesn't hinge on any particular speech or action. And if it is particularly important that something gets done or said, don't worry: It'll happen. Lighten up. Give yourself and others room to move, to talk, to be who they are- to be human. Give life a chance to happen. Give yourself an opportunity to enjoy it.
We don't have to take other people's behaviors as reflections of our self-worth. Each person is responsible for his or her behavior.
We don't have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth. If somebody who is important (or unimportant) to you rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would be if you had not been rejected. Don't forfeit your self-esteem to another's disapproval or rejection of who you are or what you have done. Don't reject yourself, and don't give so much power to other people's rejection of you. It isn't necessary.
We don't have to take things so personally. When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don't love you- they are saying they don't love themselves.
We don't have to take little things personally either. If someone has a bad day or gets angry, don't assume it has something to do with you. It may or may not have something to do with you. If it does you'll find out. Usually things have far less to do with us than we think.
An interruption, someone else's bad mood, sharp tongue, bad day, negative thoughts, or problems does not have to run or ruin our lives, our day, or even an hour of our day. If people don't want to be with us or act healthy, it is not a reflection on our self-worth. It reflects on their present circumstances. By practicing detachment we can lessen our destructive reactions to the world around us. Separate yourself from things. Leave things alone, and let people be who they are. Who are you to say that the interruption, mood, word, bad day, thought, or problem is not an important and necessary part of life? Who are you to say that this problem won't ultimately be beneficial to you or someone else?
We don't have to react. We have options. And each time we exercise our right to choose how we want to act, think, feel, and behave, we feel better and stronger.
Sometimes people behave in certain ways to provoke us to react in certain ways. If we stop reacting in these certain ways, we take all the fun out of it for them. We remove ourselves from their control and take away their power over us.
Sometimes our reactions provoke other people to react in certain ways. We help them justify certain behaviors.
Codependents aren't the people who "make things happen." They are the people who consistently, and with a great deal of effort and energy, try to force things to happen.
When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled. We forfeit our power to think, feel, and act in accordance with our best interests. We frequently lose control of ourselves.
You didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't cure it. So stop trying!
There comes a time to let go. When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free.
The less good stuff we find in ourselves, the more we seek it in others. They have it all, we have nothing.
Too much dependency on a person can kill love. Relationships based on emotional insecurity and need, rather than on love, can become self-destructive. Too much need attracts the wrong kind of people.
Being ourselves and being responsible for ourselves do not have to be so painful and scary. We can handle things, whatever life brings our way. We don't have to be so dependent on the people around us. We can live without any particular human being. Knowing we can live without someone does not mean we have to live without that person, but it may free us to love and live in ways that work.
Stop looking for happiness in other people. Our source of happiness and well-being is not inside others; it's inside us. Learn to center ourselves in ourselves. Stop centering and focusing on other people. Settle down with and in ourselves. Stop seeking so much approval and validation from others. We don't need the approval of everyone and anyone. We only need our approval. We have all the same sources for happiness and making choices inside us that others do. Find and develop our own internal supply of peace, well-being, and self-esteem. Relationships help, but they cannot be our source. Develop personal cores of emotional security with ourselves.
This "what if" attitude is always good for a strong dose of fear. We scare ourselves then wonder why we feel so frightened.
We don't like ourselves, and we're not going to let ourselves get any of the good stuff because we believe we don't deserve it.
We can cherish ourselves and our lives. We can nurture ourselves and love ourselves. We can accept our wonderful selves, with all our faults, foibles, strong points, weak points, feelings, thoughts, and everything else. It's the best thing we've got going for us. It's who we are, and who we were meant to be. And it's not a mistake. We are the greatest thing that will ever happen to us. Believe it. It makes life much easier.
The only difference b/w codependents and the rest of the world is that the other people don't pick on themselves for being who they are. All people think similar thoughts and have a range of feelings. All people make mistakes and do a few things rights. So we can leave ourselves alone.
We are lovable, and we are worth getting to know. We have a right to be happy. We deserve good things.
The people who look the most beautiful are the same as us. The only difference is they're telling themselves they look good, and they're letting themselves shine through. The people who say the most profound, intelligent, or witty things are the same as us. They're letting go, being who they are. The people who appear the most confident and relaxed are no different from us. They've pushed themselves thru fearful situations and told themselves they could make it. The ppl who are successful are the same as us. They've gone ahead and developed their gifts and talents, and set goals for themselves. We're all working with approx. the same material- humanity. It's how we feel about ourselves that makes the difference. It's what we tell ourselves that makes the difference.
Acceptance brings peace. It is frequently the turning point for change.
Perhaps the most painful loss many codependents face is the loss of our dreams, the hopeful and sometimes idealistic expectations for the future that most people have. This loss can be the most difficult to accept.
Nothing dies more slowly and painfully than a dream.
If we are ever to replace our lost dreams with new dreams and feel sane and peaceful again, we must accept reality.
We cannot change who we are until we accept ourselves the way we are.
It has also been my experience that my Higher Power seems reluctant to intervene in my circumstances until I accept what He has already given me.
Failure to follow desire, to do what you want to do most, paves the way to mediocrity. Success requires heart and soul effort and you can only put your heart and soul into something you really desire.
Goals give us direction and purpose. Decide where you want to go or approx. where you want to end up and steer your car in that general direction. That is how I try to live my life. Sometimes things happen, and for a variety of reasons I may not end up where I wanted to go. If I change my mind or problems beyond my control interfere, I find myself doing something other than what I had planned to do. I usually end up someplace better or someplace that is better for me. That is where acceptance, trust, faith, and letting go come in. But at least I'm not driving aimlessly thru life. More of the things I want come to pass. I'm less worried about solving problems bc I've turned my problems into goals. And I'm starting to think about and consider what I want and need.
Goals cure boredom.
Things happen when the time is right- when we're ready, when God is ready, when the world is ready. Give up. Let go. But keep it on our list.
Our communication reeks of repressed feelings, repressed thoughts, ulterior motives, low self-worth, and shame.
Why are we afraid to tell people who we are? Because who we are is all we've got, and we're afraid of being rejected. Some of us may be afraid bc we're not sure who we are and what we want to say. Many of us have been inhibited and controlled. Some of us have had to protect ourselves, to survive. However, most of us are afraid to tell people who we are bc we don't believe it is okay to be who we are.
If we are not so absorbed in other people and their business, we are free to set our own goals and reach our dreams. Good things can, do, and will happen to us if we allow those things to happen and if we are open to and believe we deserve those things. The good things probably won't happen without some struggle and pain, but at least we will be struggling and stretching for something worthwhile, instead of simply suffering.
It's ok to succeed, to have good things, and to have loving relationships that work. These things may not come easily or naturally. We may struggle and kick and want to hide our heads in the sand along the way. That's ok. That's how growth feels. If it feels too comfortable, too natural, or too easy, we're not growing and we're not doing anything different. We're doing the same things we always have, and that's why it feels so comfortable.
Learning to live and love again means finding a balance: learning to love and, at the same time, living our own lives; learning to love without getting so emotionally entangled with the object of our affection; and learning to love others without forfeiting love for ourselves. We need to learn to live, love, and have fun so each activity does not unreasonably interfere with any of the others.
We need to find the balance b/w solving problems and learning to live with unsolved problems. Much of our anguish comes from having to live with the grief of unsolved problems, and having things not go the way we hoped and expected. We need to find a balance b/w letting go of our expectations and remembering we are important, valuable people who deserve to lead decent lives.
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