Reflections on 2012

What a crazy year of change and challenge it has been! In some ways, my expectations were met, and in a lot of ways, they weren't. At the beginning of this year, I was still living in Austin, studying theology in the Women's Development Program, and raising support for my mission trip. All year long I had been questioning whether or not I should move home; I felt the pull but was afraid I had changed so much that home just didn't fit me anymore. Now that I've been home for three months, I've acclimated to a slower pace of life, and it seems that Austin doesn't fit me anymore. How quickly I can adapt to my comfort zone!

God has me on an interesting journey right now. In the past, I would have dreaded this journey and felt abandoned by God: living back home with the parents, unemployed, unsure of my future. But God has proven that I can trust Him so much that I can embrace this time of uncertainty. This is the place where anything is impossible. I am at a jumping off point, a neutral zone, a plateau, if you will. In a sense, I prayed for this to happen...

Working a full-time job has always been difficult for me and never suited me. I thought I was a career-oriented person, but I soon realized I was more of a goal-oriented person. I always felt there was something more important I could be doing with my time and energy, like pursuing my dreams or traveling and seeing the world. I hardly had the energy to pursue them on my time off, and traveling always cost money that I never seemed to have.

During my last year in Austin, I was consumed in my theology program and working full-time. I wanted to quit the program several times from the stress, but God pushed me through, and I'm glad He did because I learned so much valuable material and had a life-changing experience on my mission trip. Upon return of that trip, it was even harder to sit down at my desk on Monday and continue with the 9-5 after living 2 weeks on the mission field, speaking to people about God and learning about other cultures. The work on the trip felt meaningful and rewarding, and I wanted more of that.

I started to pray that God would give me the opportunity to work on my writing, pursue my dreams, and serve people on the mission field. I also wanted to be closer to my family, but I wasn't willing to quit my "stable job" because I had suffered through unemployment for so long. Two weeks later, God took away my job. Funny how we think something is safe, until God takes it away. He is truly the only safe ground with which to stand on.

Now here I am at home, close to my family, able to focus on my writing, pursue my dreams, and serve others. Things I didn't have time to do with a full-time job. There are moments when I feel uncertain with how things are going to turn out. I can spend all my time and money pursuing my dreams, and I can still fail miserably. I can never get published, never get signed under a label, never make money doing what I love, never have the opportunity to live overseas. But what is so safe about getting a full-time job that you can lose? Might as well take a risk doing what is in your heart to do. God is carrying me through this season. He is guiding me one step at a time. I have no idea where it will lead me or if I will succeed at anything. But He has a plan for my life, and I trust His plan more than mine.

At the beginning of this year, I did not expect to be here, but this is so much better than what I had in mind. I have a feeling that 2013 will bring great things. I have a feeling it will not meet my expectations and exceed my expectations at the same time. As long as I am in control of my life, my life will never meet my expectations. But if I let go of that control and give it to God, He will always exceed my expectations. He will answer my prayers in a way I never imagined. He will turn my tragedies into blessings. Some answered prayers take longer than we ever expected, but all we've got is time, so we might as well wait anyway and enjoy life.

Here's to expecting great things for 2013! Let God lead your life and take you places you never thought you'd go. Let Him guide you through the seasons of uncertainty. Embrace those moments and know that you will turn out for the better on the other side. Cheers!