Beyond the Behavior

I go through certain times in my life when I become very convicted with the way I treat people and the way I think.  I want to like people, and I want to be nice to them, but sometimes I get so irritable and impatient with people that I start to lash out and hate them.  This is not the kind of person I want to be.  I want to be likable and agreeable.  

It has also come to my realization that sometimes I blame my circumstances for why I can't be a "better person."  Everyone is given different circumstances, some harsher than others, but it's not our circumstances that decides our destiny.  It's what we do with those circumstances that decide our destiny.  I can blame the people around me for my own poor character, but even if I change the people I'm surrounded by, I'm still left with my own poor character.  God doesn't judge us on the people we're surrounded by or the circumstances we're in.  He judges us on what we do with those circumstances and how we treat the people we're surrounded by.  He judges us based on who we are on the inside, based on our heart and our character. 

Sometimes I have to check my heart and make sure it's in the right place.  I don't believe I have bad intentions.  I have never been one to want to make people feel bad about themselves, but sometimes I do by the way I talk to them or treat them.  When it really comes down to it, I want to like people, and I want people to like me.  I don't want to fill my heart with hatred, but sometimes it gets that way from the hatred I get from others.  I tend to get bitter.  

I strive my hardest to become the person God calls me to be, but something always stands in the way.  My own limitations, other people's limitations, and so on.  This is my grief.  I want to be a better person, but it takes so much work that I am not ready for.  It takes alot of strength that I just don't have at the moment.  All in all, I just want to be happier and more free.  I feel that if I were a better person, I would be happier and more free.  It wouldn't matter what my circumstances were because I would have a pure heart.  

I just don't want to pass anymore hatred around.  We have enough hatred in the world, and I detest it when I reflect that hatred in my heart, or that there is any bitterness in there in the first place.  I don't want to make people feel bad or disrespect them or fight with them.  I want to get along with the people around me.  I want to enjoy the people around me for who they are.  I want to be able to "turn the other cheek" when someone offends me or disrespects me because there is always a deeper side to someone's behavior.  Just like with me.  I hope that people can look beyond my irritable behavior and see that deep down, I really do like people, and I really am a nice person.  There isn't all hate in there.  There is a loving person who cares about the human race and about relationships with others. 




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